El mensaje del Día 006 es...“Oh, for the f*cking f*ckers f*ck f*ck of f*cking f*ckerville!”

It’s at this moment that I remember that I am not alone. There are seven sets of eyes on me.

Letting loose a few curses is fine, especially when you’ve just dropped a hot dog and run over your pinkie toe with your office chair at the same moment. Doing this in a departmental meeting is another story.

Always a genius at covering my tracks, I say, “Uh, you were saying.”

I have a potty mouth. This can be attributed to many factors. First of all, my dad was never one to, uh, hold back his anger in moments of acute strife. I have a very clear memory video of him trying to put in a ceiling fan. And failing. Spectacularly. The tangible quilt of obscenities that sprung from his mouth over that half hour would have made a Tarantino film look like an episode of Sesame Street.

Cursing became my go-to demonstration of frustration and displeasure.

I remember my first foray into the world of cursing. At age four sitting on a table while my dad tied my shoe, I looked at him and said, distinctly, “Hey dad, f*ck it.” What happened next is still vague, but nevertheless, my fascination with vulgarity had begun.

Second, I grew up in the city of Philadelphia and in a house of potty mouthed sports fans. Being a sports fan usually means you’re going to let slip a few ‘what the f*cks’ or a ‘clean the sh*t out of your eyes, ref!’ from time to time. But being a sports fan in Philadelphia means that you curse. A lot. We are to cursing what Mahatma Gandhi was to peaceful protest. Also, there is nothing more susceptible to the negative laws of chance or bad luck than a Philadelphia sports team. If Philly sports’ karma were occupationalized, it would be manually disimpacting ornery seniors.

But that is in the past. I am not in Philadelphia anymore and I don’t have a ceiling fan. Further, having moved to a country where ‘soccer’ is considered a sport that ‘men’ play, I don’t watch sports very often at all. After a few incidents similar to my hot dog chair adventure, I knew that I had to try to turn over a new leaf. Or at least look under that leaf and find some new nouns and adjectives.

It has been tough to rewire thirty-four years of linguistic training. Something bad happens, you curse. Something good happens, you curse. Nothing’s happening, you curse. After nearly having a stroke in the first week from withholding vocal displeasure, I settled on keeping my language clean at work. In the office and in the classroom I am the Mr. Rogers of spoken epithets.

This is good, but confusing for those around me. My colleagues and students understand, d*mn, f*ck, sh*t and c*nt. But they don’t really get “Shabby legged goo-collector” or “duck-tittied ham frogger.”

Moreover, this has contributed to my absolute exhaustion by the end of the day. My brain and mouth have been long trained to fire off a few rotten vulgarities at an almost automatic response time, but now I have to scan my brain for non-vulgarities. At first, when I got home and alone I’d curse at everything in the house. I’d curse at the fruits and vegetables I was cutting for dinner, I’d curse at the windows and the bed.

But, like most things you have to quit, it gets easier. Today I’ve noticed that not only did I not curse, I really didn’t miss it or need it. I leave my veggies alone, deciding that merely cutting them into pieces and eating them is punishment enough without being called names at the same time. While this is a good thing, I feel a bit of my heritage slip away.

Maybe there’s a football game on tonight.

  1. #1 by Chris on November 5, 2012 - 2:24 pm

    I think ‘duck-tittied ham frogger’ would be considered a curse.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on November 5, 2012 - 2:34 pm

      Well, that’s just your monkey-titted opinion.

    • #3 by Andy on November 5, 2012 - 8:21 pm

      “Ham frogging” sounds like a website that you would not like to be caught perusing (with or without the duck titties).

      Still, quitting cursing seems akin to quitting masturbation. Both would cause my head to burst.

  2. #4 by Julia on November 5, 2012 - 5:59 pm

    Hilarious !

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