Earth Part Deux

Take heart: the earth is sick but it is up to us to heal !!!The End

As we all know, Earth is just winding down its time until its Mayan destruction comes to foot in a few weeks. This comes as a bit of a hardship for those who have not gotten to their Christmas shopping yet and those whose birthdays come right at Christmas – It’s true that they’re always being screwed.

The bad news is that we will all be dead. Also there’s a chance that through some fluke of nature most of us die and the only remaining people will be Snookie and Donald Trump.

But it’s best not to think of these unspeakably horrible consequences.

The good news is that astronomers have recently discovered a “Super Earth” about 44 light years away from Earth I (aka: the Earth you are reading this on). Planet HD40307g, as it is sexily named, is known as a “Goldilocks Planet,” which means that it has sufficient atmospheric pressure to be able to maintain liquid water on its surface. So, should Earth I explode or be taken over by zombies on December 21st, we could consider Earth II (HD40307g) a possible new home.

As it could be our new home, I have outlined Earth II’s specifications.


Earth II is seven times larger than Earth. Among the advantages are of course the facts that we’ll be able to section off an area specifically for jerks and people who watch reality TV. I suppose the primary disadvantage is that it’ll be virtually impossible to find Waldo or Carmen Sandiego.


Earth II has a 197.8 day year. This means that we’ll have to squeeze holidays and birthdays into half the amount of time we are used to. This will surely lead to disagreements and jealousy, unless we make an Earth II day 12 hours long. This is not ideal since I’m already pinched on time as it is and, while I like the idea of living to 160 years old, I don’t think my liver will last that long.

Distance from Sun

Earth II is twice as close to its sun as we are, which sounds as though we’ll have a permanent, painful summer and celebrate Christmas by giving out tubes of SPF 45,000 sun screen. Fortunately, Earth II’s sun is dimmer and weaker than ours, so this works out. We can still go to the beach. Well, you can if you don’t mind what’s in the theoretical oceans on Earth II. Considering we don’t know what’s in our oceans and whatever is in Earth II’s ocean is likely to be pissed off about having had no sun for 450,000,000 years, it might be quite a risk to take.

Night and Day

Being this distance to their sun, Earth II rotates on an axis, which means providing a day and night for its inhabitants. This is great since when we all arrive at Earth II after travelling 44 light years we are all going to need a drink and a Happy Hour. Further, this allows us to keep some traditions from Earth I, like wake up calls, morning sadness and complaining about the darkness in winter.


More good news for those who like sports, walking and, well, not accidentally floating off into outer space. Football and “soccer” could continue to be played on Earth II, which, in addition to raising morale, will also give people a reason to complain incessantly. This also means that John Madden will have a job, which should put your mind at ease. Gravity also means that many of can be terrified of flying on another planet and that bras will still be sold in shops.

More Advantages?  

Considering the fact that I am only one person (who knows, on Earth II I might be two people) I have a finite amount of information and imagination at my behest. So, I ask you:

What other advantages are there to Earth II?

I mean, other than the fact that Donald Trump and Snookie will stay on Earth I?

  1. #1 by Collin on November 13, 2012 - 7:12 pm

    Maybe if it’s seven times bigger that leads to bigger animals. Imagine the BBQ possibilities.

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