Damien Galeone

I am out with Contestant #3, and I am losing. She has a Doctor Who obsession that should be discussed with a medical professional. As the check comes at my eager insistence she reaches for her purse.

“No, no, I’ve got it,” I say, and I mean it. She frowns. I pay and she puts the purse under her seat. Well, it’s the least I can do for a 2.78 hour seminar on everything Doctor Who. I can write fan fiction now. As we collect our bags and she continues the Doctor Who-athon, I look for a blunt weapon of some sort with which to end my life.

On our way to the metro, as people wearing very long, striped scarves pass us, she asks why I paid.

“I was happy to do it,” I say. She puts up a brief argument and I realize that I would kill for an actual Tardis. I’ve been mentally enjoying the glass of bourbon that I’ll pour upon my arrival home. But now, in true heroic form, I wonder how my suffering might aid humanity in some way.

I decide that on this glorious holiday of Valentine’s Day, I will do my bit for the millions of first dates occurring today throughout the world. I, however, shall spend the evening washing down tubular meats with grain mash beverages.

So you’re out on a first date, you’re having a moderately good time (aka: you are not in Dalek hell). And as the check comes it carries with it a world of nerves, implications and political correctness. Who pays?

I will make this simple for you. Look between your legs – is there a penis there? If so, then the first time you go out, you pay. If there is no bulky equipment down below, then for crying out loud would you stow your ‘equality’ paranoia for one evening and let the one with the penis pay, please? Or at least the dominant one…

And here’s why.

Offering to pay doesn’t mean he’s treating you like a china doll. It doesn’t mean he thinks you can’t take care of yourself and it doesn’t mean he wants sex later and now you owe him. OK, he wants sex later, but he’s not procuring it by picking up the check. It has nothing to do with rules, sex or who’s supposed to do what. It has to do with this: a man shouldn’t care about this crap. He mans up and takes the fucking check. He doesn’t worry about traveling Daleks or googly-eyed side-kicks, oops…wrong thing. He doesn’t worry about political correctness or being modern. Also, do you really want to see a guy do math in his head? Hell no.

Now, that being said, there are some red flags to look out for.

If a guy makes a big deal about it, then he is picking up the tab so that he can make a big deal about it. I suggest you allow him to do it and then allow him to manhandle his own genitalia for a long while.

If a guy says, “Next time’s on you?” He could be trying to ensure another date. This relegates him to the pathetic bin where he can play video games with the guy who made a big deal about it.

Ok, if you’re a woman, and I know some of you read this blog, let’s deal with your issues about this who pays business. You claim that you don’t like it when men try to take control. This is more noticeable nowadays when you don’t even need us for insemination. But some of you have become paranoid about this.

You also claim that you don’t like cocky guys, and we all know what a sack of bull tacos that is. He is expected to be a confident, courteous decision maker. By picking up the check the first time you’re out, he is telling you that he doesn’t give a flying chicken leg about the social norm and he is not thinking about the always sexy equality issue. If he doesn’t make any of the mistakes mentioned above, then he is just trying to do something nice to thank you for a nice evening.

So, when he/she says, “I’ve got this,” try to reply with something like, “Thank you.”

One last thing, if you want to put up some resistance to save face, it’s fine. If you keep it up, he may suggest that you get the tip. Any more resistance and he will let you pay half of the check at the same moment he decides that he’ll never be seen in public with you again. So you can go home, break out the hotdogs and watch a rerun marathon of anything not Doctor Who, which is what I’ll be doing tonight, because:

Happy Valentine’s Day!