Now, anyone who has seen how I dress daily knows that I am not only unwilling to make a decision before 9 a.m., I am incapable of doing so. Therefore, my morning tram ride racks me with an anxiety that leaves me unable to make important (gastronomical) decisions throughout the rest of the day. I’ll walk you through a daily Tram Game.
The Tram Game
The Tram Game starts at the tram stop, where you must decide between standing next to two homeless guys (literally covered in feces) eating rolls or the young couple procreating in the tram stand. You choose the homeless guys, since you have always liked the monkey house, and public arousal has gotten you nothing but grief, an orange jump suit and the name #2918302983.
It’s time to get on the tram and now you must decide if it’s OK to elbow old people in the throat. Here’s the thing, old people are far craftier than they appear; they have been alive for a long time. There are never any at the tram stop, but as the tram approaches they come out of nowhere to stand directly in front of you. So, you do one of two things. You elbow one (nobody’s judging you) or you find an alternative, non-geriatric route onto the tram.
Sit or Stand
OK, you’re on the tram, one of the old people caught a (mystery) elbow to the larynx and there is a seat available for you to take! And it’s early, so you definitely want it, but before you commit to that seat you will undoubtedly need some phrases to rationalize your decision. Here are a few you can practice at home:
It’s probably an old stain.
It’s probably spilled milk.
He’s very drunk, so he probably won’t wake up.
It looks as though he’s already used that knife once today, so…
Condom, Shmondom!
Pregnant or Fat
You’re sitting. You’re reading. Besides the fact that you’re on your way to a soul-crushing job and your hemorrhoids are staging an uprising, things are good. The tram has stopped and everyone appears to be under the age of 96, so you are in the clear. You’re about to go back to your book, but something is coming towards you. What is this? Yes, it’s a woman whose body is shaped precariously between that of a pregnant woman and that of a woman who just likes cake.
The question is: Is she fat or is she pregnant? Now, before you make this decision, you need to take a deep breath, get yourself ready and think clearly. Is she fat or is she pregnant? If she’s pregnant, she gets the seat by universal law, someone who’s carrying another human inside of them gets dibs (see PDF section). But if she’s fat, she stands on her cankles and you recline into your book with no worries. You can even take out a candy bar.
But here’s the thing. If you offer her the seat and she’s just fat, you are a dead person. She will memorize your face, ear hair pattern, forehead shape or whatever it will take her to remember you so that one day in the future she can run you down with her car while stuffing Medovnik into her chubby throat.
It’s a lose lose situation, isn’t it?
No. This is when you pull out the trump by pretending you’re asleep. Don’t be afraid to play act it a bit, yawn and make little cat-like sounds as though you are dreaming of small mice or large women.
The Age Game
This game is played every time an old person gets on the tram and there’s no available seat. First off, a little preventive maintenance – sit away from the doors, as old people generally fling their bodies at the first head of brown hair they see. But if it wasn’t possible to sit away from the doors, then you have to play.
This game is played by everyone on the tram who’s sitting, not pregnant and under 70 years-old and therefore, it is a battle of wills. All you have to do is avoid eye contact with said old person until someone else thinks about their grandma, feels guilty and gives in.
Warning: Do not, I repeat, do not think about your grandmother, Harry Morgan or Betty White.
There is no country on Earth whose residents enjoy public displays of affection more than the Czech Republic. Most kids in Prague treat a tram ticket like a key to a one hour motel.
Fortunately, the procreating couple at the tram stop has gotten on the tram with you and they intend to stay on until they get off. The couple is lucky enough to have gotten (one) seat, so they are now entangled in a Kama Sutra position so intricate and complicated that they now share a spleen.
To look or not to look, that is the question.
Tip: books = tents
Boy Scout
You’ve reached your stop. It’s time to leave all these people you have ignored, elbowed, engaged in a mild threesome with, and mocked. The only decision now is whether you will help the old lady out of the tram.
And that decision is easy; you are a polite young person after all.
#1 by Hokey Pokey Trainer on April 4, 2013 - 2:52 pm
These are the only two reasons life taught me on when not to fight for the only available seat:
A: Sniff the seat. It might have been occupied by a particularly faeces-caked homeless, and if you sit down here, you might later go to class and do a presentation which nobody can concentrate on because you smell of Eau De Hobo (it was a bad day).
B: Is there a middle aged, short haired, militant Jana with a cynical face expression, who spotted the desired seat at the same time as you? She might arrive there a split second earlier and snap it away from you, then sit triumphantly on her ABC-gum throne. Don’t give her the satisfaction of winning the race. Instead, let her get it, then stand youthfully somewhere in her field of sight and rub in that you are 10 times sexier than her (even if you’re angry that you have to stand now).
You’re welcome.
#2 by Damien Galeone on April 4, 2013 - 3:45 pm
The problem, HL, is that I’m 10x sexier than so many people on the tram at any given time that I could cause a riot.
#3 by Andy on April 4, 2013 - 10:34 pm
My personal favorite is how fascinating that window-view becomes once you actually get a seat. I don’t care what is moving around behind me; when I get a seat, nothing is ever as interesting as that view out the window.
#4 by The Jake on April 5, 2013 - 2:22 am
I always enjoyed the I-open-the-window, you-shut-it game.
#5 by Damien Galeone on April 5, 2013 - 10:35 am
Ah yes, old opensie, shutsie.