Gifts for the Paranoid Anosmiac

Baby Colt 2Gifts for the Anosmiac

Being without the ability to smell is sort of like being paralyzed from your pinky knuckles to the fingertips. People vaguely understand that you have a disability, but it isn’t really taken seriously despite the fact that it is a massive pain in your ass. And we’re definitely not getting a celebrity charity.

So, in order to make the life of an anosmiac close to you a little more comfortable, get him a non-scented gift. Some ideas below.

Pub Clothing

If your anosmiac is anything like me, then he enjoys Greco-Roman wrestling, movies starring talking dogs and going to the pub. And if he is as paranoid about his smell as I am, then he dresses in all different clothing before going there so as to not offend anyone with his bilious stench later on. A jacket, pants and shoes totally designated for the pub and other activities like slaughtering pigs or skunk cuddling will allow him the tranquility he needs to enjoy these disgusting joys all the more. Plus, he’ll feel like a drinking version of Mr. Rogers.

As an added bonus, make them hideously ugly. My pub shoes are bright yellow and have a green plastic strap over the mouth, like something Elvis would have worn in that classic post-skinny pre-fat stage in which he did so much to prove his Elvisness.

Smell Describer

Rent your anosmiac a person purely for descriptive purposes. He might tell his anosmiac what his sizzling steak smells like, what his cologne is like or the lemony freshness of his newly mopped floors. If the anosmiac is a sadist, he could send his describer to whiff the terribly fat gentleman on the tram who is sweating like John Goodman. Everything needs to be smelled: women, rain, Ben Stiller. The possibilities are endless!

A Personal Smeller  

“Do these smell?” is a question that those near me hear on a daily basis. Unfortunately for everyone involved, ‘these’ are often gooey plums, a plate of raw chicken wings or my pants.

As one friend has cried while sniffing my socks, “Waah, I hate this game; nobody wins at this game.” And he’s right; nobody should be asked to smell my shirts, shoes or fingers. So, what’s the solution? I mean, besides living with me.

The personal smeller!

People have personal shoppers, so why not personal smellers? A person whose sole job is to smell things for the anosmiac. Different from the describer, a personal smeller would be available for the more unpleasant acts of the odorous world. And believe me, cats are not good at this job. Also, as anosmia has the tendency to create phantom smells (smells that aren’t there), it will also allow them the opportunity to deal with unusual queries such as:

Does my eyeball smell like Tabasco sauce?

Why does my leg smell like paint?

Does this chicken smell like bourbon?

Is someone cooking ribs? (7 a.m.)

Of course, there are many opportunities to fuck with an anosmiac, but one question that should always be taken seriously is:

Do you smell gas in the kitchen?

Can you think of any other gifts you might get for the anosmiac in your life?

  1. #1 by Emma on April 11, 2013 - 1:39 pm

    FYI: a) if it’s meat and it feels slimy it almost definitely smells bad, b) i’ve sat next to you a million times and you’ve never smelled bad, and c) yes, your eyeball smells like tabasco, not that that’s bad, i’m just saying…

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on April 11, 2013 - 2:47 pm

      Never. Loved. You. More. Also, want to come over and dip chicken wings into my eyeballs??

      • #3 by Emma on April 11, 2013 - 3:13 pm

        yep. i’ll be in praha in a couple of weeks. will let you know exactly when soon and we’ll go beering. where your pub outfit. and the shoes.

        • #4 by Emma on April 11, 2013 - 3:15 pm

          grammar can i not. wear. wear. i did mean wear, i swear.

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