You Are Assimilated – Deal With It!

Borg trekkie?We’ve just watched James Tiberius Kirk, rebellious and adventurous Captain of the Starship Enterprise, kick some butt. He kicked Klingon butt, he kicked Star Trek villain butt, and he even kicked a little human butt. He was joined in these adventures, of course, by Spock, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, a few very attractive ladies, and a bunch of doomed guys in red shirts.

The cinema is full of the exact people you expect will see Star Trek at an IMAX cinema. The room is a testament to the chubby white male. And Collin. Though there are only ten women in the room, there are well over 200 breasts. I mock these people, and yet I resemble them so much so that I could be on a poster for the movie called: Chubby White Trekkie.

I realize this as I poke my fun: I somehow set myself apart from these people. Even more alarming is the realization that this isn’t the first time I have mocked a group that I belong to.

I despise the expatriate community of Prague, though I am literally a card carrying member of that group. I do all of the same things as the people in that group. I speak passable Czech, date Czech women far out of my league, write in a journal, and once said Bohumil Hrabal was ‘brilliant.’ And yet, I don’t consider myself the average expat, despite all evidence to the contrary.

There’s more.

I am short and pudgy; though believe that having a beard and a sense of humor gives me some sort of ‘get out of chubby jail free’ card. I stand in a parade of annoying tourists and think that just because I am humming the Indiana Jones theme in my head that I am not one of them, but on some grand, death defying adventure.

I’m not a guy who has a cat. I’m that cat guy. I live alone with a cat, feed it from my plate, put hats on it when I’m bored, and sometimes say things like “Daddy’s got a headache,” to stop it from mewing at me.

And I don’t consider myself one of those cat people. Why? Probably because I don’t blog or Facebook about my cat often….oh wait. Damn!

I guess it’s all human nature to think you are somehow special, and therefore defy consignment into a group. And boy is that pretty clear today as we walk out of the theatre into the main lobby.

I stand in a bathroom of me’s peeing, then walk out with the group of me’s and then stand in a roomful of me’s talking excitedly about Cumberbatch’s Khan vs. Montalbán’s Khan (psychotic genius and classic villain), the absence of earwigs (interesting departure from the original), and the occasional dip into continuity, (there were a few plot holes, which I choose to ignore).

We leave just as the lobby full of me’s start minor guerrilla skirmishes of the perennial Kirk vs. Picard debate, which is even too ridiculous for me.

Cause it’s totally Picard.

Folks! What group do you deny being part of?

  1. #1 by Hokey Pokey Trainer on June 14, 2013 - 1:09 pm

    “New” young Kahn was so damn fuckable. I’d be interested in what he’d look like in that low v-neck the character wore back in Wrath of Kahn. I’m that closet trekkie girl with the titsickles and the earl grey, hot. TO HELL WITH KIRK, THAT INCOMPETENT SLEAZE BALL. 😉

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on June 14, 2013 - 1:22 pm

      As a man who once bought Spock ears, I don’t mind telling you that your pro-Cumberbatch, ant-Kirk, titsickle rant has me a little turned on. And by a little, I mean hot like a million stars with a Stellar Classification of B1 III. That hot! I assume you fall on the Picard side of the debate?

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