Damien Galeone

Warning: This is a rant

I try not to be an old fuddy duddy. I can listen to 18 whole seconds of rap or R&B before rolling my eyes and weeping for the human race. Though I can’t believe how promiscuous girl’s clothing is these days, I enjoy it to a pathological level. And when my students mock me for using outdated slang, I resist the urge to tell those beeotches that they can eat my shorts, whilst reminding myself that I am, in fact, the bomb.

Nothing makes me feel more like a fuddy duddy than grumbling about a PDA, (or using the term ‘fuddy duddy’). A PDA, if you are not privy to this outdated term, stands for a public display of affection. In layman’s terms: making out in public.

And the Czech Republic is the global capital of the PDA.

I am one of the world’s great exaggerators. Give me a bad date and I can turn it into dinner with Hitler. So just to be clear, I am not talking about a quick smooch on a tram or stealing kisses in a park. I am talking about heated, saliva-covered, moan-interrupted, mouth gobbling that registers as foreplay on a Kinsey report.

Much human interaction with strangers in Prague is done on public transport, so that is where you see it most. Riding a tram is sitting amongst four or five amateur porno films. What’s the problem with making out in an empty late night tram? Not a damn thing, because you can look away. But try standing on a packed tram, ass to ass in a steamy metal box inching through traffic, and having the people pressed against you polishing each other’s throat glands and approaching orgasm.

Now you’re aggravated. There are a few ways to combat your aggravation. First of all, try humming a Johnny Cash tune until your stop. When that fails, consider explaining to the PDA couple the insane scientific theory that other people exist. In the end, though, watch. Just stare at them. When they dislocate their jaws from each other and notice you watching them, joyfully explain that if they are putting on a show, you are more than happy to enjoy it. I mean, you can’t make out in public and then expect to be ignored. This watching tactic has a more disturbing effect if you stick your hand down your pants to straighten out your boxer shorts while muttering and sweating.

But they don’t stop. Ever. The Czech PDA is like a natural disaster. It cannot be stopped, it can only be contained.

Two librarians at my former language school would sit in the library behind the desk (she on his lap) making out. There would be a line of teachers waiting for materials and this couple would be lip sucking, neck nibbling, and heavy petting. Even when one of them had a massive mouth herpe, and then even when both of them had matching massive mouth herpes.

Only after a few (American and British) teachers complained that they couldn’t get materials because the librarians were, you know, fucking, did the absolutely confused Czech director of the school tell them to make out in the cafe on their break.

Even lacking a partner doesn’t stop them. I saw a young couple in the metro station making out at about 6 a.m. and the girl pulled away to check her watch. When she did, the boy just kept his tongue out, rotating it in make out form, until the girl replaced her mouth on his.

My Czech friends have countered this complaint by saying that young people traditionally live at home until their late 20s, thus trams and park benches are the only places where they can get a little loving. Though this makes sense, it doesn’t detract from its annoyance.

So to those beeotches: get a room!

What is your best PDA experience? If you live in Prague, you have so many…