Urine for It Now!

Hold your drinkAs a rule, it’s never good when a person spends more than two seconds peering into a just used toilet. It’s even worse if they are sniffing; worse still if they are wearing a look that universally depicts confusion. And if that person standing above the toilet smells watermelon and roofer’s glue, then, well, Houston, we’ve got a problem.

I shall explain.

One of the only benefits to having no sense of smell is that you are spared the rotten smells that everyday life has to offer. So, I do not fear public bathrooms. The B Monster’s morning bunghole greetings do not disturb me with the obvious odor, but rather the fact that she thinks I’m her proctologist.

And as a short man in a city whose inhabitants embrace the use of public transport and the nonuse of deodorant, I should be in hell. But instead I stand between homeless men covered in their own waste, and beneath armpits that are soaked through. In a place which is married to the ideas of greasy foods, smoking in pubs, not cleaning beer splashed floors and not opening windows, I can deal better than other expats. With this disability that revokes so much pleasure from my life, I have clung to this anti-superhero inability to avoid assault from disgusting stenches.

But now, it seems that there is one thing I can smell: urine. And not just urine, but different, uh, flavored urine.

I first noticed this a while ago with asparagus. Everyone knows that asparagus pee gives off a strange odor, like some combination of cooked lentils and Harvey Keitel, but I was surprised when I could smell it. I used to eat asparagus just to be able to smell the urine afterwards, feeling for a short moment that I was normal. This ‘normal’ feeling being greatly dissipated by kneeling in front a toilet smelling my pee. I eventually stopped buying asparagus in fear of becoming a fetishist. And I already have so many.

But then, in the last months or so, I have noticed that I can smell other flavors (tee-hee) of urine. I have found that urine ala watermelon boasts a robust sweetness with hints of roofer’s glue. A post-run pee smells like roasted almonds combined with lemon snaps. Imagine the smell that would come from dumping a tub of paint thinner into the Le Brea Tar Pits and you have coffee urine. Beer urine doesn’t smell like anything, yet. Thank. God.

I have implored the heavens and all major and minor deities concerning the irony to my situation. Shouting things into my flat like: “You fucking prick(s), whoever you are, I can’t smell a girl’s neck, but I can smell watermelon piss?”

Then I figured that I should just get over it and expand my research. So I am now eating and drinking a wider assortment of foods and beverages. I’ve been trying things I normally don’t eat or drink, like honeydew, brie, German vodka, strawberry ice cream, and eggplant. I am hoping that these might produce some recognizable odor. And maybe by mixing and matching different items, I can produce a better smell, or a pleasant smell. Something I’m more used to, or something I miss, like girl’s necks and pizza bagels, or stinky pubs and underarms.

  1. #1 by Andy on July 15, 2013 - 4:12 pm

    I sincerely hope this doesn’t eventually get to the point of licking doorknobs. Or Judy Garland.

  2. #2 by Tiffany N. York on July 15, 2013 - 6:18 pm

    Well. I have, of course, noticed asparagus pee, but I have never noted any difference with watermelon. Hmmm, must get down low next time and take a whiff.

    I think I’d rather have my sense of smell than taste. For me, it evokes powerful memories and sensations. My mother, on the other hand, cannot tolerate any strong smells or chemicals, so that can be a drag when she comes to visit me. I have to pack away all my scented candles, and I cannot wear perfume or anything strongly scented.

    However, when it comes to Le Chat, oh how I envy you! For how fastidious cats are, they sure do reek. Litter, poop, spraying, the food–no one needs to smell that. No One.

    How did this lack of smell come about? And if you are starting to smell more, that’s positive, right? A word of caution, don’t go around smelling girl’s necks to see if you can, or at the very least, ask them first. Or you may wind up with a lack of being able to procreate.

    • #3 by Damien Galeone on July 16, 2013 - 12:10 am

      Ha! Lack of smell came about 7 years ago, but I don’t know why. If you had to give up taste, what tastes do you think you’d miss the most? I joke about women’s necks because I miss the smell of women, in every way, all the time. Happy about missing out on cat pee, fart, poop, everything, but man, I’d kill for a whiff of barbecue, oranges, or post sex bed.

  3. #4 by Tiffany N. York on July 17, 2013 - 6:49 am

    That is utterly fascinating that it happened so suddenly. Did you see a doctor about it? Was there any reason he could possibly give for it? It’s such a great character trait to use in a novel. So unusual…

    However, it does suck to be you. 🙂 Of course you would miss the good smells, the evocative ones, not the bad ones, although those can be positive in their own right.

    I think I’d miss anything sweet in taste, and pizza. Food doesn’t excite me all that much, so I wouldn’t really miss the flavors. Smelling onions and garlic cooking gets me off more than tasting them.

    I really and truly hope your sense of smell comes back as suddenly as it left. What an indulgent party that would be!

Comments are closed.