Damien Galeone

Corey the Lobotomizer doing his other job: clothes dryer

There’s a pull up bar in the doorway of my bedroom. It has been there for seven months and it has seen eight pull ups. This is mainly because the squad of pygmies I hired to raise me up to it quit amidst salary disagreements.

Take it down? Never.

The pull up bar now has a new use and a new name. It is now Corey the Lobotomizer. It gained that moniker and use after I watched two tall friends walk forehead first into it. And despite the rather painful sound, it did provide extreme momentary comedic entertainment.

Sadist, you say. Well, I guess if you define ‘sadist’ as a guy who gains pleasure from occasionally hurting or being cruel to others, then fine, label me. To be fair, it’s nothing really against tall people specifically. As a short person, it’s always good to keep a few tall people around. They’re great for testing water’s depth in a murky pond, reaching things on high shelves, and providing scouting reports at crowded clubs.

But in terms of annoying the people in my life, I am an equal opportunity irritator. I like aggravating tall people, old people, my editor, children, students, bosses, waiters, you, skinny people, fat people, fit people, Czech people, dogs, and my mom. Also, pretty much anyone who has the misfortune of being near me when I’m in a bad mood.

Today it’s tall people. Here are a few tips for annoying the tall person in your life.

Lobotomize them. One of the benefits of being short is that we can usually run around without fear of smacking our faces into stuff.  Tall people, not so much. Just like Corey the lobotomizer, you can hang things around your house – lamps, wind chimes, modern art, a set of steady rings. Anything works. And just sit back and wait for the pang of contact and the tantrum of surprise. Make popcorn. This is an enjoyable pastime for anyone.

Put stuff down low. In the exact opposite method, you can put all the stuff in your flat in low places. Cups, plates, whiskey, and all other things desirable. Use the low drawers in your house. You can also leave things on the ground. Tall people are usually too far away from the floor to notice a set of jacks or a stapler lying here and there.

Have really small stuff in your house. Your short legs – yes, the ones that make those jeans with the 30 inch inseam look like a slinky – can fit comfortably in almost any tiny bathroom. But for a tall person a coffin-like bathroom requires a pretzel like maneuver when they most want their bottom parts away from their face. Moreover, your seats and chairs should be low to the ground. Think pedestal table in a Japanese midget’s house. The more  your cups and couches resemble those in a doll house the better.

I am open to ideas. How do you annoy the tall person in your life? My next step in irritating the tall will be to hire Amazons for my next squad of pull up assistants. The Pygmies wanted too much money anyway.