8 Buzzfeed Quizzes That Failed

57If you have the internet, a brain stem, and cogitate in any way then you have noticed the recent flood of Buzzfeed’s “Which … Are You?” quizzes. In the last week, I have found out which Golden Girl I am (Blanche), which mythical creature (the Phoenix), which Beatle (Ringo. Yes, fucking Ringo!), which Harry Potter character (Neville Longbottom), and which classic rock band (Zeppelin).

These quizzes have got to be the most popular thing going on the internet. Basically informal and silly personality quizzes, people love them because they take three minutes to do and offer minor pseudo-analyses that allow you to be linked to some famous social or cultural icon in some way. Bring me a monster snake to slay, for I am Neville Longbottom!

Still, though Buzzfeed makes some enjoyable quizzes, they sometimes miss the mark. Here are some which haven’t enjoyed the same success.

Which type of hemorrhoid are you?

Are you an acute external hemorrhoid? Or perhaps level III internal or the devilish thrombosed? Are you prolapsed hemorrhoids (the Ringo Starr of the hemorrhoid world)? This quiz didn’t work because people don’t like being equated to growths in the anus. Go figure.

Which Bjork song are you?

This quiz never took off because of the lack of variety in the outcomes. You were either the screeching Bjork song, the shouting and screeching Bjork song, the wailing Bjork song, the Bjork song that sounded as though a chicken was being run over by a lawnmower, or the song which proved that Bjork’s popularity was the end of musical civilization as we know it.

It should be noted that these outcomes apply to all Bjork songs.

Which mollusk are you?

Despite people’s ability to suspend their disbelief, they couldn’t grasp how the test deduced that they were a snail or a giant squid based on their choice of hand lotion and brand of cracker.

Which condiment are you?

This one was too controversial even for the internet. The feuds between the ketchups and the mustards were brutal. Then the mayonnaises got involved and it was even worse. By the time Sriracha got involved it was total war. The quiz was removed because all parties involved agreed it was the most reasonable thing to do.

Which foot bone are you?

Are you the Talus, the Calcaneus, or the Cuboid? Could you be the Navicular? This quiz was brought down by those damned foot lobbyists in Washington. Their brand of ultra-political correctness is really ruining the fun for the rest of us.

Which canned vegetable are you?

We all hope for the saucy deliciousness of Mexican corn, but the reality is that some of us have to be peas or lima beans. Others even have to be diced mushrooms and some poor bastards have to be pickled turnips. This quiz died off because it had to.

Which preposition are you?

Are you of, in, before, under, or through? Despite a fleeting success in the English as a Second Language world, this quiz dropped off pretty quickly. Analysts believe this is due to the fact that most people don’t know what prepositions are or how to use them correctly in a sentence.

Which Two and a Half Men character are you?

Why did this quiz fail? Two words: nobody cared.

Add to this list!

  1. #1 by PJ on March 10, 2014 - 2:37 pm

    Will any quiz ever fail as spectacularly as the “Which color do you smell like” quiz? Not only were the questions confusing but the answers seemed nonsensical and slightly racist.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on March 11, 2014 - 1:23 pm

      Right? How does one smell like a Jewish or italian color? Surely something we’ll discuss this weekend in a mature and rational manner. Over milk and cookies.

  2. #3 by Kelly on March 10, 2014 - 2:50 pm

    Yesterday, after seeing a quiz my friend took that said she got “Ginger Cookie” in the “What kind of cookie are you?” quiz, I crafted a tweet that said “You got ‘Hey Loser! Did you know there’s like an entire world out there for you to enjoy?!’

    “Which internet quiz are you?”

    It was a dud. None the less, I feel we are on the same page. I’ve taken a few. Turns out I would survive 86 days in a zombie apocalypse and the city I should ACTUALLY be living in is Minneapolis. Haven’t learned anything about myself beyond that.

  3. #4 by Damien Galeone on March 11, 2014 - 1:25 pm

    Kelly! I would survive 57 days and I put that down to my moronic care of a wounded loved one. I am an idiot. Did you know that I am supposed to (apparently) live in Minneapolis as well? Maybe it’s the fates telling us to go there and open a bar/ice cream shop/strip joint.

  4. #5 by Mary Widdicks on March 12, 2014 - 6:31 pm

    The people that write these quizzes are really scraping the bott of the barrel here. Soon we will be taking the “which buzzfeed quiz are you” quiz. Sheesh.

    • #6 by Mary Widdicks on March 12, 2014 - 6:32 pm

      *Bottom of the barrel. Darn iPhone.

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