O Blogger, Where Art Thou

Party Travcompany - Nautilus Club PrivéEvery now and again, I go through the search engine entries on my blog to see how people find my blog. There are the obvious ones (my name + blog, my name + my book, hottest teacher in Cz Rep, short fat men who write, Bjork haters of the Czech Republic). Same old same old.

But there are also weird ones, creepy ones, and downright inexplicable ones. This morning I go through the search engine entries that people have used in the last three months. Some of them elicit confusion – how did someone find me using that? Some of them elicit a belly laugh, and some of them elicit an online search for bodyguards.

Be scared, people; be very scared.

Here are the top ten.

Lady Boy Deaths

See, this is one I just can’t pinpoint to any one blog post. Moreover, why are people searching for lady boy deaths? I don’t post anything about lady boys dying and my position on lady boys has been clear from day one as there is a strict “no killing lady boys” policy at my blog. It should be mentioned that there are dozens of search entries featuring lady boys. Dozens.

Bondage Barbie

This is not confusing as much as it’s amazing. How exactly did someone go back in time to when I was eleven years old and read my wish list to Santa? I’m keeping my eyes peeled for the talking, life-size, anatomically correct Alyssa Milano doll I asked for when I was twelve.

Galeone Porn (3)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that someone wants Galeone porn. And not just someone, but three someones. The problem – OK, one of the many problems – is that while in my mind the searchers are young, pretty women, in reality they are sweaty truck drivers in New Jersey named Bruce.

Gay Blogspot Thong

If someone had told me that I was writing a gay blog, well, I’d have decorated better. NB: you have to bring your own thong.

How to Give a Good Handjob

I don’t know. I guess I’m sort of an expert at this…

Cartoon Pictures of Slaughtered Animals

People. Stop doing drugs.

Torture Damien (3)

Again, that someone entered this into a search engine is not the craziest thing in the world. I am a jerk and I probably do deserve a good torture session at times. The disturbing part of this is that three people searched this in the last three months. I just hope they are not organized. Or my cat.

Fat People Running

I suppose we can chalk this one up to morbid curiosity. But should you really desire to see this, just walk along the Vltava River three mornings a week and I’ll come huffing and puffing by at some point. Warning: If you make eye contact, I’ll bite your leg.

Little Lady Boy Guido

Here’s another from our lady boy series of searches, this one focuses it to include diminutive Italian Americans. While it does make me slightly uncomfortable that I embody almost all of those adjectives, I am happy to see that I’m gaining readers who satisfy two gender categories at once. And maybe a third.

Frog Bacon is There

This is the most philosophical search entry for sure. Where is there? And why do they have frog bacon there?


So, there it is, folks, a list of weird, wacky, and sometimes scary search entries. And you wonder why I’m so paranoid? Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to buy a high-powered rifle and a German shepherd. Oh, and a thong.

How about you? If you have a website, what are some of the weirdest search entries that you’ve seen?

  1. #1 by Jeremy Nicholson on March 27, 2014 - 5:39 pm

    I appreciate how you tend to update these search queries about every six months or so (probably more like a year, but who’s counting?). For a brief period in either 2001 or 2002 my own website was the third site that showed up when searching for “glass mixing bowl(s)”. I still find this hilarious.

  2. #3 by Tiffany N. York on March 27, 2014 - 6:28 pm

    This had me spitting coffee on my keyboard! So hilarious. Galeone porn, huh? hmmm. How people find me is pretty straightforward: porn, penis, mom doing stuff to son’s penis. That last one is disturbing, I’ll admit. I don’t want to touch that one. Literally.

    • #4 by Damien Galeone on March 31, 2014 - 8:16 am

      Mom doing stuff to son’s penis? What the hell? Well, I guess I look forward to your post on your visit from the FBI.

  3. #5 by Mary Widdicks on March 27, 2014 - 11:53 pm

    Ha ha ha. I’ve had some doozies myself. My two most recent head-scratchers were “moms doing boys” and “my friend looked at me naked in the changing room”. Clearly my reputation on the internet is gleaming.

    • #6 by Damien Galeone on March 31, 2014 - 8:18 am

      Moms doing boys? hahaha. Perhaps it’s time you started writing soft-core erotica. It seems to be the market you’re attracting. Of course, this is coming from a guy who has evidently cornered the market on lady boys without ever having posted about a lady boy.

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