Damien Galeone

I think you’ll agree that the Internet is a strange place. The internet kind of reminds me of that time I licked a car battery: exciting, shocking, and filled with lots of screaming.

But the Internet is nothing if not a place to learn a hundred thousand random bits of information you never knew, never needed to know, or never knew you needed to know. This week has been especially fruitful in the learning department, and I thought I could share a bit of what I have learned on the Internet in the last week.

Though nowhere near a scientist, I have always loved scientific questions. And there is no better place to indulge your half-assed curiosity than where? Right. The Internet. In the science department, I have learned what happens when you crack an egg underwater. I learned what happens when you fill an anthill with molten aluminum. I learned what happens when you – strictly for the good of science – drive a remote-controlled toy car through a pride of lions or jump into a pool of diet coke wearing a suit made of Mentos.

Oh and what is the Internet’s favorite subject? No, not cats. Sex. On the sex front, purely for research, I have learned what happens when you lose your virginity. Yes, I too was under the assumption that when you lost your virginity you simply paid the nice lady and got out of the car, but evidently there is more. Much more. I have also learned that a study done last year found that 44% of women masturbate, which, frankly means that 56% of women are lying through their teeth.

I have learned that if you look at one picture on Reddit’s gone wild section, you can write off the next two hours of your life. Double that for Buzzfeed.

And love is closely related to sex, right? At least that’s what The Gilmore Girls always told me. When it comes to love, I learned that both Menendez brothers got married after they started serving life sentences in prison. One of them had a baby, though the prison doesn’t allow conjugal visits. And I learned that this fact scared me.

Since I was depressed about the fact that incarcerated convicted murderers are getting more loving than I am I pressed ahead with the research and found that Ted Bundy had several love interests and even got married after his conviction. Just to be clear, this is the same Ted Bundy who was a brutal serial killer targeting single women and whose own defense attorney called him the “very definition of heartless evil.” Yeah, him. He got more women on his way to the electric chair than I do now and I do not have a jar of ears on my bedside table.

I also learned that if Bundy were getting married now, his wife and her bridesmaids would flash their butts in a photo.

And finally, I learned that even adding cannibalistic biting to soccer doesn’t make it interesting.