Every time I dip into Internet Land I find another list suggesting I am among the worst people in existence. According to these lists, I am a racist, sexist, homophobe who was a Nazi SS guard in a previous life and who is pulling for a Bill Cosby & Ann Coulter Presidential ticket in 2016.
Considering that most of these articles and lists are little more than perpetuated stereotypes and sweeping generalizations, you have no doubt felt the same, no matter your sex, ethnicity, or personality.
Among all the bad things to be labeled right now, the worst is an extrovert.
There has been an awful lot of extrovert bashing in Internet Land recently, and I just want to set the record straight – being an extrovert rocks. Here are five points which prove it, using the same scholarly approach and dedication to accuracy as I see in this issue online.
Me! It’s all about me!
Perhaps the best aspect of being an extrovert is that I never have to care about another human being’s feelings or thoughts. It’s all about me. Unlike the unlucky introvert, the extrovert was born with the knowledge that they are the center of the universe and it’s all me me me. If it’s not about us, we don’t care. This is why so few extroverts have friends.
I’d like to go into this more, but I’m too busy drawing up plans for DamienLand and Damien: The Musical. That’s in my spare time from organizing my band: The Damien Galeone Experience with the All Damien Galeone Players.
No Secrets
As an extrovert, I am so thankful that I don’t have to keep anyone’s secrets. See, the thing is that – like all extroverts – I am such a compulsive babbling talker that everything in my head comes bounding out at some point, regardless of their importance or secrecy. I just can’t help it. So, if you’re talking with an extrovert and he all of a sudden – Karen Jackson has herpes! Damn. It happened again. Another secret has made its escape.
Like all extroverts, there is nothing I enjoy more than selling out my friends – Bill Jackson likes men! Damn. Again. And that one was in there for a while. Anyway, we especially like spreading the secrets of our introverted friends, because they’ll never be able to set the record straight. Because like all extroverts, I love irony. And butter.
Don’t Worry, I’m Happy
With no secrets dwelling in my mind, it really does give me a happy-go-lucky approach to the world. But this isn’t totally necessary, because as we all know, every extrovert is vying to be the happiest person on Earth.
This is true, too. I have no angst whatsoever and that smile you see on my face is reflective of my mood all the time. I don’t worry about my job, friends, family, or even my own health. Essentially, I have no angst because I have never been able to attain a deep thought. I avoid deep literature, foreign films, and any kind of intelligently written article or essay. But that’s OK, I am happy simply floating through life from one social occasion to the next, superficially chit chatting with people I don’t really care about.
Occupational Hazard
Let’s recap: extroverts are incapable of deep thought, sensitivity, trustworthiness, and we are not to be confided in. So what does that mean for our job prospects? Well, to tell you the truth, they are limited.
Extroverts, according to the deeply scientific findings of these websites, are not suited to be writers, artists, academics, or philosophers, because they all entail a level of deep thinking that we are not….hm…something, I can’t remember what it was because I got caught up thinking about how awesome I am.
Anyway, what can we do? Well, these web-lists do us the favor of simplifying it completely. They take into account one broadly defined aspect of one’s personality and then broadly generalize that even more in order to totally pigeonhole a person. So, from what I gather on this issue, introverts do any and all deep important thinking needed on Planet X and extroverts will serve them drinks and entertain them with idle chit-chat while they smolder and brood over their next earthshaking revelation.
Awesome. I’ll get my bar rag.
Listen Shmlisten
The other points on this list are minor compared to this awesome aspect of being an extrovert. We don’t have to listen to anyone. Ever.
This is a two-headed dragon. In the first place, no extrovert on Earth can stop talking about himself long enough to listen to another person. And in the second place, we don’t care about what others have to say. So, extroverts get to feast on the buffet of their own throat music and avoid coping with other people’s whiny claptrap.
In other words: we win!
Thank your favorite deity these web-lists have made this issue so clear for us. See, for years, I have felt both like an introvert and an extrovert. I always found that it depended on how I was feeling, how nervous I was, or who I was with. But thankfully, these web-lists have shown us that no people exhibit traits of both extroversion and introversion.
What would we call them, ambiverts or something weird like that?
