You Have the Right to Remain Weird


sam weirdoIf you’re anything like me, then may Dog have mercy on your soul. Also, you probably do a lot of weird things throughout your day. You might sing to an animal, apologize to furniture you just knocked into, or time how long you pee.

Hypothetically.

Also, if you’re anything like me, then you sometimes pause and say (to a nearby lamppost): “Holy crap, I’m weird. No normal adult does this stuff; what the hell is wrong with me?” And then you envision any number of scenarios in which a counsel of your ex-partners will judge you in every way.

Relax.

Being weird is your birthright. Being weird is fun and it makes you smile or feel more comfortable somehow. Besides, if you didn’t do something a little weird every day, how would you know what normal was, right? In commiseration with your weirdness, here are a few weird things that many of us weirdos are doing.

Read, relax, and most of all, call a doctor if you pee in less than ten seconds spurts.

Caught

I’m going to assume you talk to yourself at least sometimes. And since talking to yourself and walking go together like bourbon and anger, you sometimes get caught by a random stranger. Us self-talkers all know the I’ll just keep my distance look.

Though there is no real way to convince someone you weren’t just totally winning an argument in your head with an ex, do you start humming or pretend that you are singing along to a song?

Cause if you do, I understand.

Rehearsal

Last night, to pass time while cleaning my bathroom, I had both sides of an interview with David Letterman. I was funny, witty, and self-deprecating. It was a good interview. I was asked back. I had no clip.

And I’m betting you have done this.

I’ve rehearsed all sorts of conversations. From those that might occur in the real world – a funny story for a date, an argument with the boss, to those that will never, ever take place – late night talk show interview, SNL monologue, running the Sorting Ceremony at Hogwarts.

If you do this, fret not. It’s all part of playing out those little fantasies in your head. You know, legally.

Worst Case Scenario – Email

There is no worse moment than the split second an important email sends. Panic ensues. You become certain that you have just sent your boss the unretractable.

This is why I instantly reread every important or official email I send. I do it in a pit of anxiety and horror, expecting to see the worst.

If it’s an email with some anger or irritation behind it, I always expect to see that I have accidentally slipped in a miffed phrase like piss off, gizzard ass. If it’s an email to another official person or office, I simply expect that I have somehow attached a nude picture or mixed it up with a naughty email meant for someone else.

If you do this too, I am available for proofreading services.

Pretend

Do you ever pretend you are in a horror film or an action film? Are zombies bearing down on you as you fiddle with your keys and try to open your door at night? Does a walk through the train station ever become a chase scene in a spy film?

Come on, admit it.

If you’ve never practiced an interrogation with the police then I don’t even want to know you.

I bet that you have done – or do – at least one or two of the things on this list. If you do, just relax and embrace your weirdness. And if you ever end up on the Letterman show, you better plug this blog.

What else do you weirdos do?

  1. #1 by Ed on April 13, 2015 - 2:28 am

    I have done everything on this list! Recently! I guess I am not as unique as I thought. Rehearsals: usually radio interviews. Email. In a rare opportunity to correspond with a higher up spelled name ramone (as in the ramones) assistant vp name is ramon. I proofread the content a million times and was so proud til I noticed. Pretend: good spy or. Sci fi villain. Talk to myself hourly but rarely get caught

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