Stuff I Learned this Week


Miracle Pen

Miracle Pen

If you have nine brain cells and you’re not running for the Republican nomination for president, you probably learn a few new things every week. Sometimes these things delight you, sometimes they depress you, and sometimes they make you cry with the bitter shanks of self-realization.

Here are some things I learned this week.

Airplanes

As a man who ranks flying with the same comfort level as having a raccoon in his rectum, an article entitled “18 Airline Employees were asked: What are Secrets Passengers Don’t Know?” is as enticing as a Chipwich.

So, I read on and learn.

The two pilots on a flight are not allowed to eat the same meal and are not allowed to share in case of food poisoning. Despite myself, I imagine Peter Graves spitting out eggs.

Also, there is at least one dead body on every commercial flight. I wonder if they take this into account when tallying up body counts in crashes. I also wonder how they’d explain that if forced to account for it in a crash.

Plane crashes leaving a body count of 230 (229 killed, 1 pre-killed body on board)

It’s best not to think of these things.

Morgan Freeman

Nothing in the world that involves Morgan Freeman can be bad, unless you’re a passenger in a car he’s driving. Speaking of cars and Morgan Freeman, he can now be the voice of your GPS.

As a marketing ploy for his film London has Fallen, in which Freeman plays the American Vice President, those with the Waze app, can set their GPS to have Freeman’s voice. Keeping in mind that Freeman has also played, you know, God, this could lead to a rather inspirational driving experience.

As I am a walker who doesn’t have a car, I wonder who we pedestrians get as our guiding voice. I am crossing my fingers for Kermit the Frog.

Barack Obama: Male Gigolo

Any shock or confusion you might have regarding that subheading will be quelled with this explanation: this happened in Texas.

Republican candidate for Texas Education Board Mary Lou Bruner explained President Obama’s leniency on homosexuals this week by recalling his past occupation as a male prostitute. She went on to explain (needlessly, of course, as it’s common knowledge) that this occupation was simply a means to finance his extensive drug habit.

Well, duh.

Just remember, folks, this happened in Texas. Moreover, it was said by a woman who thinks dinosaurs were on Noah’s Ark. This is obvious crap, since everyone knows the dinosaurs were all aboard Godzilla’s blimp during the great flood.

What I learned from this, besides the fact that I could have sold myself for grass in college and still gone into politics, is that the U.S should sell Texas to Mexico for a few bottles of Mescal and a tortilla recipe book.

Pens Fix Everything

As any teacher will tell you, there are few weeks of the year which are as hectic as the first week of the semester. This is that week. Also, it’s time to do taxes. Thus, I have spent the week exhausted, grumpy, and trying to find slips of paper all around my house and office.

By Wednesday afternoon, I was buried under papers and coursebooks and ready to open my office window and defenestrate myself along with all of my tax documents and hotdog receipts.

But right before I stood up on my chair to open the window, our departmental administrator came in and handed me a new pen. She explained that each employee is getting a new pen for their hard work.

My mood improved at once and I looked forward to filling out my tax forms with my new pen. I think I need to see a doctor.

55 Dating Apps

While trying to avoid writing this post, I found myself on The Debrief, a website about sex, dating, and other things I am super out of touch with.

While clicking on articles, I saw this: “54 Dating Apps that aren’t Tinder”

There was a range of emotional reactions to the knowledge that there at least 55 dating apps in the world. There was fear, amazement, (sadly, hope), and ultimately curiosity. So I looked through the list of 54 dating apps.

I learned that there are some pretty damn specific dating apps out there which seemingly cover every niche of dating preference. Among dozens of others, there is an app to link people by horoscope (Align), to connect people with beard fetishes (Bristlr), to hook up avid marijuana users (HighThere), and one to bring together those interested in a good cuddle and nothing more (Spoonr).

Essentially, no matter who you are, there is an app out there to get you laid. Well, unless you’re a humor writer or English teacher.

My favorite was…

3nder

There is a dating app which aims to hook up those looking specifically for threesomes. And it’s called 3nder. Folks can join as a single person or as a couple and can set their preferences as part of any combinations: MMM, MMF, MFF, FFM, FFF.

I am assuming this is how President Obama got his start in drug-related male prostitution. Also, people can anonymously invite friends, so it looks like I’m about to get more popular!

If you learned something new this week, please feel free to share it with me and my community of deeply disturbed readers. Hey, maybe I’ll start a dating app for them.

  1. #1 by mickey on April 19, 2016 - 2:04 pm

    Its a beautiful information

  2. #2 by pay for essay writing on April 19, 2016 - 2:08 pm

    I am using these apps like Tinder, Badoo Nearby, Its really awesome and interesting for the making new friends.

  3. #3 by Harry on April 20, 2016 - 4:39 pm

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