Observant MoFo

Me on National Look-alike Day (April 20)

Me on National Look-alike Day (April 20)

As you may or may not have noticed, this past Sunday was National Sibling Day. The Facebook was flooded with heartwarming pictures of brothers and sisters. I did not post anything about my siblings, partially because I forgot, but mostly because I was stuck out in the world forced to deal with people face to face.

While none of my siblings gave a rat’s colon that I didn’t honor them on this auspicious Facebook holiday steeped in nearly 20 years of tradition (1998), a few people did mention it to me. And if you are one of them, you frankly need a hobby.

At first I felt guilty, but then my local pub and Becherovka entered the scenario and that guilt was replaced by a warm feeling coated in cinnamon and herbs that will likely kill me before medical science has a chance to harvest organs.

Still, as I sipped away on Christmas in a glass, a little sore from catching flak for my non-observance of a non-holiday, I resolved to not miss a non-holiday for the next week in penance. And then I was dangerous, because not only was I drinking Becherovka, I was drinking Becherovka while surfing the internet.

It was with great disappointment that I found that I’d already missed so many great non-holidays this month. I didn’t tell my neighbors I love them on Tell a Lie Day (April 4) or eat a breakfast of Gambrinus, sauerkraut, and chillli-con-carne on Big Wind Day (April 12).

But there are so many more non-holidays I’ll be observing over the next week.

The fun will kick off on April 16 with National Stress Awareness Day. I know this day is likely meant to call attention to the sometimes quiet and then explosive problem of stress in our lives, but I am taking a different tack. On National Stress Awareness Day I will make everyone around me aware of my stress. This will include stuff that’s just getting to me in general. My boss doesn’t appreciate me. Or it might be something that person is doing to stress me out at that moment. If you keep wiggling your leg, I’m going to break this chair over your head.

This is fair warning if you are near me on Saturday.

The fun continues Sunday April 17 with Pet Ownership Independence Day. This non-holiday is observed by you and your pet “doing the old switcheroo.” Yes, you are supposed to switch roles with your pet, like Boxing Day but for crazy people.

Unfortunately this non-holiday falls on a Sunday or I’d have the B Monster go to work for me while I licked my own ass and bathed in the sink. Instead I guess she’ll just have to yell at me in consternation while I shit on the floor next to the toilet.

I wonder if Hallmark has a card for that.

April 19 is National Garlic Day. All I can tell you is that I will be spending it in a Korean or Lebanese restaurant, and probably with my friend Maria, who is the only person I know who shares my obsession with garlic. There will be garlic, there will be more garlic, then there will be Tums. And then we will roam the streets of Prague like pack wolves in search of people we know in order to kiss them on the lips.

You’ve been warned.

Finally, on April 20 is National Lookalike Day. This day calls for us to not only dress like and mimic the facial expressions of your famous doppelgänger, but to also act like them. So I am observing this day by dressing up as Jack Black and drinking 30 cups of coffee to attain his peculiar sense of hyperactivity. Then I’ll find the nearest Nespresso machine and let the romance begin…assuming I can brush the garlic out of my mouth from the day before.

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