This House is Clean

Before I can read this, I need to learn French. More procrastination. Yay!

Before I can read this, I need to learn French. More procrastination. Yay!

Now that the bathroom, shower, sink, and toilet are all clean, I move on to the living room. Yes, those tabletops can be wiped down with disinfectant. I dig in my closet and come up with a bottle of cleaner whose purpose must be verified.

The windowsills are next, and then the doors are dusted, and the corners freed from cobwebs. And then, well, it would be rude not to vacuum. Once the floors have been vacuumed I can see how awful the linoleum in the kitchen looks, so I get the mop. And then I prep dinner – marinate the chicken, cut vegetables, gather spices.

Sounds like a damn productive Sunday afternoon, but I am doing this in the shorts and sneakers I work out in. It is my current procrastination strategy.

I am one of the billions of people who procrastinate. So I don’t need to tell you what it’s like. The number of things I can find to do before tackling a task is remarkable and a testament to the creative capabilities of the human mind. No doubt you have organized your desk, cleaned your room, gone shopping, masturbated (maybe twice), before doing something you don’t want to do. The thousands of websites whose continued existence is thanks to people avoiding doing shit would blow your mind.

I also don’t have to tell you how shitty procrastinating makes you feel. Like slowly pulling off a band-aid, it adds stress, anxiety, unpleasant anticipation, and an overall feeling of dread to a task that usually wouldn’t be so bad if we just up and got it done with.

Old story.

But my strategy today falls under the heading of Virtuous Procrastination. Virtuous procrastination is surely something you are familiar with as well, whether you know the term or not. It’s easier to assuage the guilt of procrastination if it comes in the form of another difficult task. I.e. If you’re procrastinating writing a part of your thesis, you’ll feel better if you are doing research than if you’re watching cat videos.

So my procrastination today starts out virtuous. However, after I bury garlic slices into the chicken and make a homemade thousand island dressing, the wheels fall off of my virtue pretty fast.

Not to be deterred from deterring myself from doing something, I move to non-virtuous procrastination.

I try to fix a television that hasn’t worked in eight years. I go to Tinder and change my Discovery Preferences about six times just to see what the trawl is. When the well is dry, it’s ironic websites. Famous Writers Give Advice on How to Avoid Procrastination, How to Stop Procrastinating, and Identify Why You Are Procrastinating. The last one includes a questionnaire – Bingo! I fill it in.

1. What one thing can I do to get Started?

Hit the button on my watch and start doing jumping jacks.

2. What are my three biggest priorities today?

One priority: to avoid doing the answer to question 1 at all costs.

How can I make this easier?

Drink heavily, Go to sleep

What will go wrong if I don’t do this now?

I’ll be fat. And probably drunk.

Afterwards, it’s clear that I have to just get to my workout. There’s no way around it. I feel guilty and aggravated with myself. I mosey to the den, get myself ready, and as I’m getting ready I think that this would probably make a good blog post, something people will relate to. I am about to hit the start button on my watch. Wait a sec. I need to get this blog post down before the juices are gone and I forget.

I head back into my office, sit at the computer and open a Word document.

Well nobody can tell me that’s not virtuous.

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