The Most Annoyingly Hipstery Things That Have Come out of My Mouth This Month

hipsterI am a normal schmuck. I do normal schmuck things like drink too much on a Tuesday, binge watch TV shows, and tell ten to twelve lies a day. Moreover, I surround myself with normal schmucks, they do normal schmuck things too. Sometimes we do them together.

Though some out there might disagree with “normal,” one thing’s for sure: I am not a hipster. I couldn’t be one. I can’t wear skinny jeans without getting a stomachache and everyone has heard of my favorite bands.

That said, I have no problems with hipsters. There are lots of them in Prague and despite all the anger and hype against them, in general I have found them to be a friendly, good-humored crowd of people. Besides, I have always had a soft spot for dorky glasses.

But “hipstery” is different. When something is hipstery – an article of clothing, a flavor of water, a band – we are placing it on a list of things that make us roll our eyes and yet whose irritative agent is not fully explicable. It’s one of those “I know it when I see it” sort of things.

When it comes to things people say, “hipstery” is an enormously applicable term. Sometimes a person comes out with a statement, complaint, or question so inherently “hipstery” that it elicits an eye roll and a spark of inexplicable irritation. And yet if we were asked to write a paragraph on why, we probably wouldn’t be able to clearly pinpoint the reason for our irritation.

For example, read these three sentences pulled right off of the website Stuff Hipsters Say:

My music doesn’t really have a genre, but if you had to define it, I guess you’d call it “organic garage.”

When I die I’m leaving my body to art

Lana Del Rey is one of the best musical exponents of her generation.  

Now, tell me you didn’t roll your eyes once and I’ll come to your house and sing you a Lana Del Rey song in the organic garage genre.

Now, seeing as I am a normal schmuck who gets annoyed by hipstery quotes, it surprised me a month or so ago when I realized I had said something that clearly fell under the category of “hipstery.” I jotted it down in my moleskine (totally hipstery), and decided to keep notes. At the end of the month I was annoyed with myself. I was also depressed and, to be honest, even thought I should go get some skinny jeans.

Here is a list of the most hipstery things that have come out of my mouth in the last month.

If you take care of your phalanges, they will take care of you. (arggggghhhhh)

We need a place to get organic blueberries.(I’ll leave out the didactic lecture on superfoods. It’s just too painful to see in print.)

I am, like, so addicted to my French Press at the moment. (This is just the truth. I am telling everyone with ears.)

The first thing I do each morning is drink lemon water and just sit.(When did I start channeling Jaden Smith?)

I’d prefer the organic alternative to that if possible.

This hummus needs more cilantro.

I typically go veggie one day a week or so. (This one made me want to kick my own ass)

Whenever I crave bread, I just eat some broccoli instead. I dip it in hummus. (Wherever my dad was when I said this he had a sharp pain in his stomach. Because he died a little inside.)

No no, it’s just a pressure headache. (OK, not hipstery as much as Czech, but still. A pressure headache.)

That kind of attitude in this discussion is not healthy.

There’s some bad energy in here. (Could someone please mail me a set of male genitalia?)

I need to get some snacks for my cat, I think I hurt her feelings this morning. (Yeah. Nobody comes off looking good in this one. I might need to move to a cave in the mountains. Which would be, ironically, hipstery.)

You just can’t get good avocados around here. (Well. You can’t)

How can they serve this without water chestnuts? (Right about those male genitalia…the address is…)

What the hell happened to me?

It would make me feel much better if some of you would send me the most hipstery things you can remember saying. Then we can start a support group. We’ll serve organic everything and I’ll bring the broccoli and the cilantro hummus.

And my French press, obviously.

  1. #1 by Lee on May 26, 2016 - 11:50 am

    Hey bud, I will give you a quick butt kick next time I see you for the veggie day comment.

    But the cat one is fine – it’s self preservation. Your cat *is* planning to murder you, so a snack extend your life expectancy by 3-7 hours depending on the quality of the snack. May I humbly suggest a tuna-catnip salad garnished with pork chop (easy on the cilantro though, it gives her heartburn)

  2. #2 by Hanky on May 27, 2016 - 3:28 pm

    I got some I said a few days ago that come to mind!
    “I want a dog, but I can’t because I don’t want it to ruin my vintage Persian rugs”
    “I kinda prefer buying used books, the yellowed pages burn my eyes less than freshly bleached paper”
    “Matcha used to give me tachycardia, but now I’m used to it”
    “I actually like man buns”
    “Is that rain coat thrifted?”
    “I usually jot down some notes while reading in my physical notebook (note: which I bought in a French handmade stationery boutique, Moleskine is so 2005) but then sometimes I put them in my iNotes instead, and sometimes in my Google Drive reading list and ugh, it’s such a mess”
    “I wish I had Coetzee’s intense gaze”
    I’m such a damn cliché.

    • #3 by Damien Galeone on June 6, 2016 - 8:46 am

      These are brilliant! You should come to Prague and we’ll have a nonfat Chai and a vegan quiche patty product!

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