Damien Galeone

I was a Libra up until a month ago. It was then that I saw a list of the “New Astrological Signs,” which that hussy sign Ophiuchus caused by showing up on our astrological doorstep.

While I have never been a devotee of our astrological guidance systems, I felt unsure about the news that I was no longer a Libra. It was as if I’d found that I was really from Dallas and not Philadelphia. In astrological terms, I spent 41.9 years as a Libra and 1 month as a Virgo.

I’d gotten used to being a Libra. It was comfortable being the only inanimate sign. I was the scales, just, balanced, diplomatic, and social.

To be frank, it never made a difference. It’s not as if I ever explained my dislike of loudmouths or my enjoyment of the outdoors by saying “Well, you know, I’m a Libra.” I never once offered my Libran tendencies as an excuse for why I’m indecisive or why I avoid confrontations.

But still, I was a fraud.

Now I have to be a Virgo. Worse still, I have to learn how to be a Virgo.

The good news on the Virgo front is that I am now loyal, kind, and analytical. I have to work on being analytical. I never thought I really had a strong analytical muscle, but those were in my Libra days, when I was fair-minded instead.

I have also been given a bump in my sex life. You see, we in the Virgo community are (paradoxically, I suppose) great in bed. This is due to our tactical and methodical nature, characteristics on which I have ordered books in order to study up. Back in my Libra days, my bedroom activities were reliant more on my creativity, balance, and expressiveness. But those days are over.

A woman wishing to seduce me could have done so for years focusing on my need for honesty, my love of physical beauty, and my joy of discussion. She would have had to stay away from deep or emotional talks, though, because that scares Libras away. And she would have had to deal with the fact that I am (was) terrified of commitment. But now my seducer will have to respect my need for cleanliness and order. She will also have to dig beneath my cool exterior to find the deep sensual needs beneath. Nowadays, I am focused on long-term commitment, so if she seduces me well I’ll probably marry her.

I also have a whole slew of new weaknesses. I am now shy, wordy, and too critical of myself and others. I am trying to come to terms with these, and have taken solace in the fact that at least I am no longer indecisive nor do I pity myself anymore. Also, I am finally free from carrying around all the grudges that I’ve had all these years.

I like animals now, as well as healthy food, nature, and cleanliness. And to think that I have spent the first 41.9 years of my life going against my true self by being messy, eating hotdogs, and hiding from nature. What a waste!

My characteristics have long been a lie. I have duped people about my real strengths and weaknesses, and I’ve clung to a list of phony likes and dislikes. All because I thought I was a Libra.

But I’m not, I am a Virgo. A proud Virgo. A virgin Virgo. I’ll have to get used to that and it’s going to be hard.

Oh well. At least I’m not from Dallas.