Stuff I’ve Learned

wise-manOne of the benefits of being in my forties is that I find I am a much smarter person. This is not wisdom, so much as it’s just the result of forty years worth of accumulated observations.

Here are some of them.

If someone has to tell you they’re good at something, they are not.

Everyone will like you more if you dance like an idiot.

Nobody on Earth will ever be able to fully justify why I was forced to study trigonometry in the 11th grade.

Everyone has directly engaged their genitals in a conversation at least once in their lives.

I have been to roughly 1,390 meetings in the last twenty-six years. Eight of them have been useful.

The only person who can ruin a harmless joke by taking it too seriously than a staunch conservative is a staunch liberal.

There is no correct answer to these questions: Does this make me look fat? or Who are you voting for?

Nobody cares about your dreams. Nobody. Not even your psychotherapist.

If there is a God, I am fucked.

Before you send a naughty message to a crush, jerk off.

Everyone turns into their parents; then they go “aha.”

I’ve learned more of a second language in stressful situations than I ever have in a classroom.

As astoundingly bad, stupid, ignorant, and downright insane you think Donald Trump is, someone worse than him is going to show up in 8 years.

If George Carlin and Bill Hicks were alive Donald Trump would have committed suicide by now.

Cats are vindictive.

Pigeons are dicks.

The two days your flat or house is the cleanest it’ll ever be are on the day you move in and the day you move out.

If something is running smoothly, the Czech government will change it.

If you give your seat to a woman on public transport because you think she may be pregnant, but you aren’t 100% sure, walk briskly to the farthest point from her that you can get while still inhabiting the vehicle and bury your face in reading material and don’t look up.

If you never want to talk to someone again, tell him that he’s a bad driver.

Nobody is funnier or more popular in a pub than a person who has a lot of cocaine.

When someone fronts a sentence with the phrase “I’m not trying to be a dick,” that is exactly what they’re about to be.

There are two types of people: those who travel with a pillow and actual travelers. Even if you haven’t traveled, you are one or the other, you just don’t know it yet.

You’ll reach a point in your life when pizza and sitcoms help you cope with your problems better than beer and whiskey. That point is called “middle age.”

Never, ever lick a steak knife.

The number of hemorrhoids you suffer in your life is the number of times you were a pain in someone’s ass in a previous life.

90% of the time my boss directly addresses me, my life gets 4% more annoying. The other 10% of the time they ask where someone else is.

My penis knows exactly when it’s back in my pants after a pee.

If you have one friend who both truly cares for you and is smarter than you, you are the luckiest person you know.

Oh wise people, please add to this list of observations

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