Učitel hledá ženu

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Dear Sir or Madam, could you please place this advertisement in the upcoming (Thursday) edition of your respected newspaper?

I would greatly appreciate it if you could place it near other such ads, but ones that are less attractive than this one by way of content. Also, a space near a Sudoku puzzle would be great. Thank you.

Faithfully yours, Učitel.


Due to the current global political climate, I am hoping to ensure European residency for as long as I live. Or at least until I can get a job in Japan or on an oil rig. To solidify this, I am looking for a wife. She must be of European nationality. To make things easier, I have narrowed this down to a Czech or Slovak woman.

My doctor tells me that I do not possess the nervous system to be able to handle a Russian woman for the rest of my life. In any event, let’s be honest – that won’t help anyway.


I offer a wide variety of qualities in terms of a long-term partner, even despite an evident terror of long-term relationships. I am an ESL professional, so you have English lessons forever, or at least as long as you want to pay what I consider a fair discounted price (300 Kč by yourself / 400 Kč if you bring a friend). I am also a writer and writing teacher, so your emails are guaranteed to be professional and obsessively edited.

Though American, I am partially assimilated into Czech culture. “Partially” meaning that I get socks and sandals and Pelíšky, but I don’t yet get the draw of Lucie Bílá or tlačenka. I will never go mushroom picking (and I understand why this is a deal breaker).

I also bring the following:

  • Decent cooking skills (make a kick ass Bolognese and a pretty good Shepherd’s pie)
  • A somewhat varied collection of fourth to twelfth edition paperback books in English
  • An embittered view of the global atmosphere and a newly acquired and vastly depressing pessimism about the state of humanity
  • A cat


I don’t really have a physical type, but if you travel with a pillow or think Led Zeppelin is a brand of metal lighters, then it probably won’t work between us. Otherwise, a sense of humor is good. By “sense of humor” I mean you laugh at Bill Murray, not when an old woman falls off a tram. Well, I’m open to ideas. If you have a cottage that would be super. I’ve always wanted to say “I’m heading to my cottage this weekend,” but thus far my hopes have been frustrated.

The following are big pluses:

  • You make a decent guláš
  • You know how to use the verb “control” correctly
  • You are willing to cradle my head while rocking back and forth telling me the world will be OK over and over again for at least the next four months
  • Space in your flat for a scratching post
  1. #1 by Maria on November 10, 2016 - 9:59 am

    hahaha… that´s funny

    I am Slovak. Do not fancy Led Zeppelin. Allways forget my pillow when travel, so in fact do not travel with pillow. I always laugh when reading your posts, so that´s fine too. After years of practise pretty well controle my verb controle and make “decent guláš”. Have some space for scratching post. World will be ok with or without humans, so do not worry.
    But it occured to me to have a husband and 3 kids. Is it a problem?

  2. #2 by Dan on November 11, 2016 - 2:44 am

    HAHA. A cat.

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