Scaramucci’s Forgotten Additions to Classic Presidential Speeches

Abe, just before the Gettysburg F****ng Address

Abraham Lincoln

The Gettysburg Address

“Fourscore and seven f****ng years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But some men are a little more equal than others, if you know what I mean (holds out hands as though measuring a sea bass). Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can last with all this f****ng b***shit backstabbing and leaking. Cause we can’t do nothing if this c**ks**ker Lee keeps f****ng with us! We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. But I ain’t holding my f****ng breath, you know?


Franklin Delano Roosevelt

First Inaugural Address

I am certain that my fellow Americans expect that on my induction into the Presidency I will address them with a candor and a decision which the present situation of our people impel. I don’t f****ng mince words, you know? This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. But a bunch of p*ssies out there can’t take handle the truth. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. So I ain’t gonna f**k with you, is what I’m saying. I’m gonna use some colorful language, but this is the arena for it. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. Unless all these m*therf***ing snowflakes keep b***hing and f****ng each other in the ass. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, c**ks**king, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. Fear’s a f****ng wh*re. I mean, fear and I go back a while and we bust each other’s balls, but I’m gonna rip the f****ng tits off fear.


John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Inaugural Address

“In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shrink from this responsibility — I welcome it. Not like some other c**ks**kers I could mention. It’s everyone else who keeps f****ng things up! Look at the Republicans and a few of the Democrats who stabbed me in the f****ng back and won’t swear their loyalty to us like we order them to. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. Not me, anyway, can’t speak for the others in this s**t show. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it — and the glow from that fire can truly light the world. If the rest of the c**k gobbling clowns in this circus would get their m*therf****ng acts together and stop f****ng off.

“And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country. My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. Cause this s**t ain’t my fault, so get off your f****ng asses and do something, would you?”


Ronald Reagan

Brandenburg Gate

“There is one sign the Soviets can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of freedom and peace. I’m over there saying, ‘General Secretary Gorbachev, you paranoid schizoid whackadoodle, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, like you say you do, you big mouth m*therf***er, if you seek liberalization, and these just ain’t b*lls**t talking points, then come here to this f****ng gate, cause if you don’t I’m gonna cut your f****ng dick off and ram it up your own a**, Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! You sack of s**t. Love you, buddy. Peace.”


Barack Obama

A More Perfect Union

“…In the end, then, what is called for is nothing more, and nothing less, than what all the world’s great religions demand — that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Cause I’m sick of being f***ed in the a** by these backstabbing pricks. Let us be our brother’s keeper, Scripture tells us. Bulls**t. Let us be our sister’s keeper. Yeah, right. With the douchebags in this joint? Good f****ng luck. Let us find that common stake we all have in one another, and let our politics reflect that spirit as well. Or get the f**k out of my way.”

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