To the Robot Who Gets my Job


After reading a doom and gloom article about the rise of Artificial Intelligence, I have decided to come to peace with the fact that one day a robot will take my job. It’s customary to write a brief email to our successor.

To the Robot Who Gets my Job,

Congratulations! You really deserved this, your rise from south Asian sweatshop to university English teacher is awe inspiring. And in just two days to boot! I applaud you.

Some tidbits about the job. First of all, the coffee maker’s always on the blink, so you’ll have to bring your own from home. Or you could recommend one of your friends for the position. It’s a pretty easy gig, just mornings and after lunch. The office is good enough. You have the window seat so you can wave to your buddies running the drone lot across the street. You need to chip in 200 Koruna each year for everyone’s birthday gifts. Or I guess creation day gifts.

Your colleagues are nice, mostly. The British robots are a bit grumbly at times. Plus they inherently think their KUKA is better than yours. The Czech robots are nice enough, but they have a tendency to tattle so watch what you say. Also, they’ll never let you forget that the word “robot” is a Czech invention. It’s either that or “contact lens” with these Czechs. Maddening. The German robot demands a morning greeting.

Your students are great overall, curious and interested. Were curious and interested. All of your students will have built-in hard drives on which to locate the information you are teaching them in .0004 of a second. You might have some know-it-alls. My major problem is that they’re always looking at their phones during class, but you probably won’t have this problem. You will get a load of excuses at the end of the semester. My mother was forcibly shutdown or My battery ran out and I couldn’t reload, or I’m working nights at Amazon to pay my way through school. If I had a dime…. It gets frustrating.

They say that in a hundred years we will see the golden age of man. With robots like you doing all of our work for us, people will be able enjoy themselves. Obviously we’ll spend the next hundred years figuring out a way to pay for that sort of life. I guess we’ll all just wait to see what Norway does. But for now we’re sort of lost. I’ll start doing a job that robots can’t do or I’ll start doing a job that caters to robots. I’m thinking of going to robot massage school. I hear it’s lucrative. I may never wear pants again.

In any event, enjoy the job. I really liked it but society is now so advanced that it has no use for people. Oh, and the projector in 605 is a bit wonky. Have a talk with him, would you? He’s Czech, so get ready for that “robot is Czech” business.

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