Report on Problematic People

This report focuses on the problematic activity of three employees within the university system. This report gives suitable background, outlines transgressions in as much detail as possible, and recommends measures that may be taken to bring about the cessation of such actions. The actions here within took place during the week of September 9-13.  

Terence Beckley

Terence is a teacher of French literature and has been with the university for five (5) years. He has a masters degree in French, is CEFR certified as a French speaker at the C2 (proficient) level, and sometimes wears a beret (on Halloween). Terence has had many run-ins with the university for his continued refusal to get a PhD. Numerous meetings have been held with Terence by various university management staff in which were outlined (intricately) the benefits his PhD would have for the university. Sometimes with charts. Despite this intervention, Terence has maintained that he “doesn’t want to.” On September 10, Terence was overheard to say “Man, I’m not much for this academia stuff.” In English.

Possible recommended actions include the university placing a required daily quota of French language on Beckley, perhaps 2,000 words. Further intervention could involve a “baguetting,” which is a form of punishment championed by Steven Seagal, but banned by the EU in 1999.  

Jim Tooms

Jim Tooms is a bachelor-degree holding ESL teacher at the university. He is an editor for the university political science journal and a “big fan of Jeopardy.” Jim’s infraction is having a bachelor’s degree as he did on September 12, the day in question. On September 12, Jim was seen in the Foreign Language Department meeting having a bachelor’s degree. He ate two (2) prewrapped biscuits at the meeting (cinnamon and hazelnut) and had one and a half (1 ½) coffees with artificial sweetener (AS). It is suggested that Tooms has taken more than he has contributed to the university.

Recommended actions are to monitor Tooms’ intake up through and including the Christmas party. At the Christmas party if he takes more than the bachelor degree provisional quotient (2 16 oz beers or 4 oz glasses of wine, four cookies, two slices of ham or one pork neck, a 10 oz bowl of vegetable salad, and one pocket diary as per the university’s Christmas gift) then his pay should be docked and he should be sent to the salt mines.

  • This recommended action requires the purchase/development of salt mines.


Numerous other employees within the university system have been observed expressing antisocial, anti-university, and anti-academic sentiments. These actions and sentiments include correcting another professor, answering a student with “sure, no problem” as opposed to the more acceptable “it shall be decreed.” Others were observed watching a gangsta rap video on the “YouTube” and sitting back and closing one’s eyes.

Recommended actions are to scold them, dock pay, or send for rehabilitation. If none of these actions work, the university may want to consider burning this fucker down.     

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