Report: Thirteen Minutes Offline

cats: owners of the internet


This report outlines the events of September 20, 2019, in which the internet went down and the manners by which the residents [two adult(ish) humans, one cat] of [redacted address] were forced to find entertainment. The report suggests possible measures to be taken in future, both preemptive and during said situation.  


Male adult A [codename Count Wolfenstein] was relaxing on his couch watching Netflix and scrolling through Reddit when the internet went down. The remote control seemed as well to be on the fritz, so the subject was forced to find entertainment in the things he could find around the couch.

Chubby-Cubby-Master ™

The chubby-cubby-master is a side-riding cloth and Velcro cubby that attached to the side of the couch (and is evidently unremovable). Within, Count Wolfenstein found a very thin and tall book with various colored and glossy pictures throughout. This was verified to be a “magazine” and while various articles were inside the Count was troubled by their length, their lack of listing sections, and the complete void of Wikipedia links. Ultimately the “magazine” was put back into the chubby cubby for reserve use.


Technically the cat was also in the chubby-cubby-master ™. For the intents and purposes of this report, a “cat” shall be defined as a small furry psychopath who own the internet but who are dependent on humans. After a violent grapple, the Count was able to convince the cat to take part in a short game of “let’s make my hands bleed.” The game only lasted a few seconds, but the goal was achieved. Entertainment was had for two minutes after the cat’s departure by assessing hand wounds and wondering if medical intervention was necessary. It was deemed not so. *

  • Pending

Dwight K. Schrute  

After various attempts to force the internet to make entertainment on his phone, tablet, and computer, Count Wolfenstein noticed that another person was currently inhabiting the left side of his couch. This person introduced herself as his girlfriend, her name in this report is Dwight K. Schrute *. After confusion, Dwight K. Schrute suggested that she was the reason the Count’s rent was cheaper and his dishes were sometimes done when he came home. As Dwight was also looking for entertainment on her now useless phone, the subjects decided to work together, but in the end were unable to create entertainment.    

  • All codenames were self-appointed.   

Other Considerations

The Count and Dwight considered numerous options for entertainment. They attempted to revive dormant videos on their phones and tablets and watched the paused Netflix movie for a while on the television. Small consideration was given to going outside, but there seemed to be a number of violent children outside shrieking in glee and taking advantage of the warm and sunny weather. Given no other recourse, they fell asleep.  

Conclusion and Recommendations

In total, the internet was down for 13 minutes and the subjects were awakened by the resumption of their Netflix movie. Damage was only temporary, but given the instability of the internet connection (99.3%) measures should be taken to ensure consistent entertainment throughout such an event in the future.

This panel finds that the subjects overlooked a number of viable options to find entertainment. For instance, they could have visited a neighbor for the first time and looked at their internet, or they could have called a friend or family member and had them describe what was happening on their internet. Another option could have been to Uber to the pub next door and use their internet. If the pub’s internet had also been down, the subjects could have at least gotten drunk.

Future measures include the above-mentioned and perhaps the preemptive placement of toys and/or NyQuil under the couch but within reach. We believe that if the subjects take into account our ideas and plan accordingly, then they can avoid such an unpleasant event in the future.  

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