Recipient: Mr. Santa Claus Re: Yearly Assessment

Dear Santa Christmas letter in envelope with stamp. Holiday child wish list for Santa Claus. Blank postcard. Flat vector illustration

I hope you are well. I know the cold weather nips at your butt eczema; I hope you are taking your medicine. Cream is your friend. I am well. Naturally, I am reaching out for our yearly assessment. Within this letter I offer my own assessment of the year’s positive occurrences and interactions (i.e. nice), the personal developmental negative growth I have seen (i.e. naughtiness), and what I expect to gain in remuneration (gifts), assuming your performance assessment is on the relative same page.

As for the positives I hope to call attention to the good I have done this year. Or perhaps the “not bad” I have done to people. As per our feedback face-to-face last December, I was less vocal to detractors on social media. Your specific term that I “keep my big yap shut” proved particularly helpful and I use it as a mantra with the breathing techniques. If that doesn’t work, then I go for booze.

On social media and in small talk conversations on public transport and at while relating symptoms to my doctor, I mostly kept commentary to subjects like my cat, the weather, and varieties of complex carbohydrates. I tried to be more empathetic towards others. When hearing a particularly absurd excuse to get out of school work, I employed the technique you suggested wherein I quietly sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer until the spasms had passed. It worked. For the most part.

In terms of the negative growth, I admit to some transgressions. You no doubt have heard all of the language-chunks and verbal explosive device nuggets measuring between 3 and 5 words that I have used. For these, I sincerely apologize. By way of requesting sympathy for my slipups, I offer rational explanatory points, which attempt to outreach my finger at those more to blame. In the first place, my city’s sports teams sort of suck. This has been frustrating. Have you been to Philadelphia? Remember getting pelted by snowballs on a firetruck on Christmas Eve? Right. That’s the level of empathy and patience you’re dealing with here. Additionally, have you met the President of the United States? I mean, come on! I can only imagine you’re feedback assessment with that cocksu…., I mean assho…, I mean person. Keep my big yap shut. Keep my big yap shut. Keep my big yap shut. Ahh.

One last point. I live in the Czech Republic. You know this of course as you have tracked me down with the help of Christmas spirit colleague Ježíšek. But I have had two bureaucratic tidbits to get through this year and not even Ježíšek could do this without taking his Father’s name in vain. And maybe even laying out a few well-placed fucks.

Overall I have to believe that our growth this year over four quarters has been largely positive with a few slips in the negative sector. I do hope your feedback assessment states roughly the same informatics (I hope I used that right). As far as remuneration, I was hoping for nine hours of uninterrupted sleep and some of your eczema cream.


You Know Who I Am

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