Apocalyptic Travel Tips


The aim of this report is to outline your travel options during the end of civilization. The recommended tips and ideas comes from the U.S Bureau of Happiness, Relaxation, and Dining.

Current Situation

Since the beginning of time, the world has been slowing moving towards its end. Then Trump got elected and Alan Rickman died and that end seemed a hell of a lot more imminent than it was before. At this point, a plague is eking its way across the world and American leadership doesn’t believe in medical expertise and science as much as it does Donald Trump and an invisible man who lives in the sky. No, not Muhammed. No, not Anansi. No, not Odin. No, not Ratovantany. No, not Shiva. No, no, no, not any of the Sun Gods. No. Not Mahakala, Cautantowwit, Coyote,  Batara Kala, Zamba, or Mr. Rogers. The other god. Yes, the one with the cherubs and the beard.

To summarize: there’s a good chance humanity is fucked.

Places to Go

The end of humanity means big deals in the field of travel and leisure. People are scared to fly, so this is a good chance to cash in on some very cheap flights. The U.S. Bureau of HRD suggests getting around to places while pilots and airlines are still willing to go there. Pretty soon, Italy might be on lockdown, so there is a strong push towards taking in sights in Rome, Naples, and Venice. By the time the lockdown is overturned Venice might be for scuba diving only. If you go, get a slice of pizza at a place called Jerzy’s near the Spanish Steps.

We suggest bringing four gallons of hand sanitizer and 400,000 wipes.   

Things to Do

Cruises are always a highly rated vacation activity, but be warned that due to an overly aggressive quarantine policy, going on a cruise means you are never going to stop being on that cruise. This might sound good now, but let’s see what you think after a decade of Bingo, Beach Boys cover bands, and fried shrimp platters.

If you do go the cruise route, the U.S. Bureau of HRD highly recommends the Glenn Beck Cruise. For just $5000, Glenn Beck (yes that Glenn Beck) is hosting a cruise (yes, that kind of cruise) through Italy, Croatia, Greece, and Israel. Special guests include Bill O’Reilly (yes, that Bill O’Reilly) and 2825 other white people. Topics of discussion will be sure to include How Obama Continues to Ruin America in his Retirement and How Michelle Obama Continues to Ruin America even in her Retirement. Also some things about god and how Trump is doing a great job.

The U.S. Bureau of HRD suggests that you have a number of experiences with animals before the world shuts down and they team up and start hunting us. The first of these is swimming with a dolphin. The problem is that dolphins are (as it turns out) far more intelligent than humans, so they are starting to pull back from engaging with us. If you can get to one of those domesticated dolphins, then good on you. Otherwise, perhaps just hire a chubby yet buoyant friend and grease him up and make him cackle and squeak (not an official recommendation from the U.S. Bureau of HRD).

If getting pictures to fill out your Facebook and Instagram profiles are how you want to spend the waning days of civilization, then go to a beach, take off your bikini top, look at the ocean, hold your top up in the air to express freedom, and have someone take your photo from behind. If you are a man, or do not wear a bikini (the U.S. Bureau of HRD does not recommend that men wear bikinis) then you need to pay people to drive you into the wild in a large truck out of reach of any animals that can’t fly, have someone sedate a large carnivore (lion, tiger, bear), and then disrobe, and sit behind it.  

It might be the last chance to experience American culture. So if you are in the United States, you should consider drinking in American culture as much as possible before civilization shuts down. So we suggest that you go to a Walmart. While you are there, buy medicine and medical and cleaning supplies. Everyone else will be buying cheese and Mountain Dew. The U.S. Bureau of HRD does not recommend engaging with the shoppers, but if you must, please make sure a professional gamekeeper sedates them first.  

The U.S Bureau of HRD does suggest one last experience that might help you, which is joining a Doomsday Prepper Course. These courses have grown in popularity in the last week (up 209,092% since last month) since the last spike (up 198% the day Obama was elected). So you may not be able to join the course, but if you can you may end up learning such techniques as living underground, eating cockroaches, and shooting arrows into a hay-stuffed doll dressed in a suit and wearing an Obama mask.   


To conclude, civilization is ending but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself and travel. So go out and have fun while the hand sanitizer lasts.     


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