The Corona List


“A nice set. That’s what she said.” – M.D Joyce

This morning I awoke, made coffee and then sat down to work. It’s there that I saw my note in my notebook:

Monday  

  • Brush teeth
  • Wash hands and face
  • Take walk & visit nature
  • Finish and send article
  • Pitch two more
  • No Seinfeld

“Oh yeah.”

I brushed my teeth and washed my hands. Then I took a walk from my east windows to my west windows. At the west windows I watered my plants. Nature visited.

The Czech government has put us under a “full quarantine,” which, as I suspected, has its caveats. The Czechs – bless them – would never let us go without visits to the shop, visits to nature, and they would never keep us completely isolated from beer. But we have to work from home.

Today, on my visit to the east windows, I noticed a few people walking along on the streets. My visit to the nature in the west revealed nothing. I sat at my desk with my coffee, normally a comfortable, warming feeling, but which today leaves me feeling a bit guilty and empty.

I am very grateful that the government is taking precautions and that people are listening and being responsible. But I am unhappy about having time at home these days. Free time feels different. A free Saturday, or a week of R&R, or a down period after a hectic time at work is like a well-earned reward. This time at home is uneasy and stressful, the way I used to feel in the afternoons after I played sick to stay home from school.  

So what to do? From what I have been seeing on Facebook and other websites a lot of people are trying to make staying at home a productive thing. I have been doing similar things. This past weekend I put together a Lego model of Dunder Mifflin’s Office. I have also hung up pictures, rearranged the living room, reorganized the kitchen cabinets, and cleaned the flat from top to bottom (with Burke’s help).  

Aside from the work I have to do today, my goal is to make a list of a ten point Corona List. Monday’s list is small (actually no Seinfeld is a big one).

The Corona List

Make a reading list of 4 books and fuck those books up.

Finish editing the novel I’ve been working on, put it together (it’s in 4 parts) into one manuscript. Do not kill self while reading it.

Read through the novellas I have written, choose one, read it in depth, and outline editing process.

Take one online course through Yale.  

Take one online comedy writing course.

Somehow clean my bathroom of long hairs. The ones on the floor look like little worms. I feel like Indiana Jones on assignment in there.

Work out every day. (I already do this. But I need to counteract the sedentary lifestyle and dietary habits of a platypus man on quarantine.)

Limit myself to one hour a day on Facebook, social media, and on news sites. In particular, limit my exposure to American Republican politicians. In this time it’s very dangerous for one’s blood pressure to be high and those fuckers vault mine into the stratosphere. The stupidity is mind boggling. David Nunes should be kicked in the ass for the rest of his life.

Learn the language of my cat. I think I’m close to cracking her morning soliloquy (“mraw, meaaaaw, meeeoooo, meeaawrrrrrr, mrrrrrrrrr brcchhchhcc” translates roughly to “get the hell out of bed and feed me animal byproducts you old son-of-a-bitch! Also, this is the first warning that I’m about to stand on your bladder.”

Limit eating to 18-25 times a day.   

Get a job kicking Republican politicians in the ass for the rest of their lives.

Hopefully this will blow over and we are back to relative normality in a couple of months. If you have any ideas on things to do while under quarantine, I’d love to hear them. Any comedic stories you’d like to read, feel free to send them along.

Good luck and keep your chin up.

That’s what she said.  

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