The Corona Diaries


Mar 11: Day 1 of work from home. Made list today. 2 online courses. 3 novellas to tweak. Finish novel. By the time this all blows over in April, I’ll be one productive SOB.  

Mar 12: Pretty productive today. No online courses, but cleaned bathroom & organized T shirts from oldest to youngest and then again from lightest to darkest. Went to store, no evidence of panic buying, lots of available TP, milk, eggs. Interesting to note that pizza pastry and hotdogs are completely sold out. Gotta love Czech priorities. These are my apocalypse people.

Mar 13: Need a better schedule. Getting up around 7:30 but not getting to work until 9ish. Morning mostly spent drinking coffee & looking through kitchen window and watching people sneeze.

Mar 14: Having a friend for dinner, have sanitized and wiped down everything. Will decide about sanitizing friend when she gets here. Never realized how much I touch my face.

Mar 16: First day of actual quarantine. OK, know it’s not “quarantine” but who the f cares about semantics at this point? Not supposed to go anywhere at all, but if we do, we need a mask. I feel like I’ve been training for this for a decade. Need to stay alert in case something bad happens. I really need to stop touching my face so much.

Mar 17: Corona Crafts! Spent the day finding and fashioning and making masks. I have handed over my collection of pit-stained white T shirts to Burke so she can cut them into masks so we can go outside. Have found that sleep masks from airlines make good masks, but temporary b/c they are pretty heavy and I don’t want to pass out on the ground outside unless it’s from intoxication. I have my standards.

Have found old Halloween masks, Burke will use the string, but I suggested we just use the Halloween masks. It won’t keep us from spreading germs, but nobody will know it was us who did it. Ha Ha. A little apocalypse humor. I hope those who come after realize my genius.

If I’m wearing a mask, I won’t be able to touch my face. Amazing how much daily energy now goes into masks.

Mar 18: Review and reflection of today’s Corona Day Schedule  

7:30 Woke up, reminded myself that I can’t go anywhere, had coffee, looked out window, bemoan global situation.

7:35 Realized that I am part of the elite 210,291,776 diarists of the Corona Days. I’m OK with it.

7:45 Checked schedule. How is it possible I have this much to do when the world is ending? Reflection: I have been lied to by TV. We all have. I would have learned more in Home Economics to deal with this apocalypse than in Survivor Man. I’m going to die because I cannot sew.

7:48 Put on pants. Well, not pants, but something with an elastic waistband and long legs.  

8:00-9:50 Work.

9:50-9:55 look out window again, bemoan situation, ensure if people are wearing masks

10:00-11:00 Check email, beg deity I don’t believe in that my boss hasn’t found a way to annoy me from across the country.

11:01 – dang it!

11:02 eat to avoid doing work sent from across country.  

11:20 eat again.

11:30-11:55 face touching period. Go nuts old man.

11:55-11:59 scrub like never scrubbed before.

12:00 grocery store delivery guy comes

12:20- 12:50 wipe down packages, sanitize hands, bags, keys, locks, door jambs, and cat.

12:51 eat again

13:00 – 13:30 read near window, sanitize then take shower, lotion up Corona Hands.

13:30-14:30 Corona discussion period. Burke related all bad news re: Corona and I listened and then offered encouragement and suggested a drink.

14:30 Corona Cocktail hour(s) begins.

15:00 Check email.

15:01 hate self for checking email.

15:30 – 19:30 Seinfeld and The Office. It’s nice pretending it’s 25 or 10 years ago. I didn’t have to wear a mask then.

Mar 19: Did Corona Budget today. Bar / going out expenses have dropped by roughly 109%. Expenses for surgical and facemasks have gone up 29,029%.

Mar 20: Observation: The number of pics of peoples’ food on Facebook has risen dramatically. People still like to tell others what to do and how to feel and act, but now it’s all Corona-focused. Man, were these people always this annoying? Are we just noticing now because we have nothing better to do?!

NB: Wonder if my cornflake and beef souffle is pretty enough for Facebook.

Mar 21: Have been informed by online alcohol consultant that 4 pm is an appropriate time to start drinking. Beat that by an hour today. Checked email 12 times today. Washed hands 31 times. Terrible Corona Hands. Lotioned 12 times. Feel like a lizard who just learned to masturbate.

Mar 22: Current competition for ESL online jobs is roughly 23,002,927 people.

Stepped out for a minute, sanitized my hands, doorknobs, light switch, and sanitizer bottle.

Today I organized my T shirts from most to least syllables. I think this apocalypse is going very well so far.

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