5 Ways to Torture Pet Store Employees

Fat BoyIf you’re anything like me, and dear God I hope for your sake that you’re not, then nothing infuriates you more than a pet store employee. Just the sight of one of those smug bastards sorting dog toys and cleaning bird poop awakens the devious sadist within.

Surely it’s no surprise that I have devoted a good portion of my life to torturing these name-tagged zoophiliacs. After a lifetime of research, I have compiled this list of the five best ways to torture them.

5. Speak in Latin. Actually, you can speak in any other dead language, but Latin allows you to use the scientific names of the animal about which you are inquiring.

“Hello, could you please show me your best Felis silvestris catus?”
“I’m sorry, what is that?”
“It’s a common pet. Is this not a pet store?”

I think you can see where this is heading. This can be both accompanied and made more effective by a combination of muttering and crying. Also, wearing a shirt with the Latin phrase and picture of a dinosaur on it seems to really seal the deal.

4. Fun with spiders. There are many ways you can employ spiders to torture pet store employees, so this is far from an exhaustive list. Most people are terrified of the 8-legged hairballs and this means the any problem concerning them forces the pet store employee to deal with both a spider and an agitated customer. First of all, scream this at the top of your lungs. “Oh my God, that spider is looking at me!” Then demand that the employee accompany you to the terrarium and keep shouting at it in an irrational and angry voice. When the police are called is when it’s best to stop. Another tactic is to tell the pet store employee that you have released any one of the dangerous arachnids and only if they let you wear a chinchilla like a boa will you tell them where you hid it.

Warning: any of these ideas make you very unpopular very quickly at your local pet store, so it’s best to have alternate pet stores in mind when you start playing the arachnid card.

3. Laxatives. Feeding a room full of different animals laxatives is pretty clear in its tortuous intent. However, I recommend staying around for a few hours and watching the pet store employee deal with 200 animals pooping at once, then being forced to clean the poop and grumble about his job. This works extra well if there are large dogs in-house or some ferrets.

Tip: Wear a nose plug. If possible, inconspicuously.

2. Time with fish. Many pet stores have small rooms where you can interact with an animal you are interested in buying. If your pet store has one of these, I suggest asking to spend time with a goldfish you’d like to buy. Half of the fun here is forcing PSE to scoop out the exact goldfish you want to interact with, which will entail scooping at the 932 goldfish in the tank until they get the one you are demanding. When they do get it, you can give a reason for wanting this particular one – i.e: He has that beautiful mark on his dorsal.

What you do when you have the fish in a plastic bag is entirely up to you, but I recommend singing to it and trying to play some sort of fetch game. Really let the wind sail through the insane part of yourself. If your pet store does not have one of these meeting rooms, then simply ask to see the fish and then lay on the ground with it. You may employ the same games.

In any case, when you have finished with the fish, give it back to the PSE and tell them that you didn’t think you got along well together.

1. Demand squirrels. Everyone knows that squirrels are the mortal enemy of the Pet Store Employee. There are differing mythologies for the origin of the rift, but it is a deep and bitter resentment. Demanding a squirrel from a PSE puts them on guard for their mortal enemy and convinces them that you are one of the many squirrel minions. This mania may be precipitated by you by giving knowing looks, winks and nods.

Here you have five perfectly disturbing ways to torture that snobby PSE you’ve always wanted to knock down a peg or two. If you have any others, please share here in the comments. We can never have enough ammunition in the battle against the pet store employee. Or maybe it’s window cleaners…I always forget.

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