{"id":1219,"date":"2012-12-31T15:28:25","date_gmt":"2012-12-31T14:28:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1219"},"modified":"2015-03-07T10:06:57","modified_gmt":"2015-03-07T09:06:57","slug":"lucky-new-year-everyone","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1219","title":{"rendered":"Lucky New Year, Everyone!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Canon<\/a>How has this year treated you? Surely, some of you are saying, “not bad,” some of you are saying, “like a hockey puck covered in horse vomit” and some of you are saying, “how in the name of Steve Guttenberg did I end up on this f*cking blog?”<\/p>\n

No matter how bad or good a year has been, on December 31st we always reflect on the passing year’s joys and successes, failures and arrest warrants. New Year’s Eve also prompts one to look forward with hope to a better, richer, and more plentiful new year.<\/p>\n

If you’re anything like me (first of all, my sincere condolences), you need all the help you can get.<\/p>\n

With T-minus 10 hours until next year comes pressing through like a prolapsed hemorrhoid, I hit the Internet, books and almanacs to find the world’s leading strategies to bring in a lucky new year.<\/p>\n

House<\/strong><\/p>\n

Many of the global new year’s traditions surround the home. According to the Chinese, at midnight on New Year’s you must make sure that your house is totally clean, your fridge is full and that all the windows and doors are open. The full fridge means a plentiful year and cleanliness means order. The open windows and doors let the old year out, and any bad smells caused by something you kept in the fridge to keep it full. Pretty sharp, these guys.<\/p>\n

Also, don’t leave any drying laundry hanging around your house. The Czechs, in their optimistic happy-go-lucky ways, believe that if there is laundry hanging at midnight, people in your family will hang themselves over the next year.<\/p>\n

First is Worst?<\/strong><\/p>\n

In Greek (and other) tradition, the first person to cross your threshold after midnight will bring either good or bad luck over the year. Many take this seriously enough to select the person who will cross the threshold. Oddly, if the people who cross your threshold are redheaded or blonde it is considered bad luck.<\/p>\n

Being an all round good guy and bringer of good fortune, I make the following offers: For $20 I will cross your threshold, for $40 I will put on a red wig and cross the threshold of someone you don’t like, and for $60 I’ll do the second offer and bring laundry.<\/p>\n

Jump Around<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you have that neighbor who bitches about noise, even on New Year’s Eve? Well, now you can tell him that there’s a traditional reason that he should stuff a pillow up his rump. Whether you’re banging pots and pans together or setting off fireworks, you are doing it for the same reason. Many traditions hold that noise at the entry of the new year scares away evil spirits who can pass between worlds at the year’s transition. So, make noise! I plan on putting on Bjork at 11:58 and biting my cat’s tail at 11:59, and that should pretty much scare away the devil.<\/p>\n

Oh yes, and Filipino tradition says that jumping twelve times at midnight will increase your height. Now they tell me.<\/p>\n

Be Round<\/strong><\/p>\n

The Filipinos also say to wear polka dots, eat grapes and twelve round fruits. Basically, things that are round are considered lucky at midnight. On a totally unrelated note, after two weeks of holiday eating and six months of normal eating, I am a round mound of plush ground. Go out and grab the nearest chubby guy and just make him happy. At least until midnight. Maybe twice.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The Day of the Hangover<\/strong><\/p>\n

OK, so it’s January 1st, New Year’s Day. You banged pots and pans all night, drank a gallon of hooch and instead of eating twelve round fruits you ate twelve roundish jello shots. You are trying to keep your eyeballs from jumping out of your head and you think you may have asked your sister-in-law for a handjob. What do you do?<\/p>\n

First of all, do not wash hair, do not clean and do not sweep. Any household chores will rid your home of all the luck you spent the night before trying to trap inside. Further, don’t spend any cash, which shouldn’t be trouble as you can’t see straight enough to find your wallet or your hands. If you’re a single woman looking to marry, look through your window and if there is a man, any man, it means that you will marry in the new year.<\/p>\n

Again, for a small fee I can be outside any window. Just call after noon, please. Until then have a happy and safe New Year!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

How has this year treated you? Surely, some of you are saying, “not bad,” some of you are saying, “like a hockey puck covered in horse vomit” and some of you are saying, “how in the name of Steve Guttenberg did I end up on this f*cking blog?” No matter how bad or good a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1219","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-jF","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1219","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1219"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1219\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2364,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1219\/revisions\/2364"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1219"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1219"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1219"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}