{"id":1383,"date":"2013-04-04T08:00:18","date_gmt":"2013-04-04T06:00:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1383"},"modified":"2013-04-18T06:35:23","modified_gmt":"2013-04-18T04:35:23","slug":"tram-games","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1383","title":{"rendered":"Tram Games!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Streetcar<\/a>Now, anyone who has seen how I dress daily knows that I am not only unwilling to make a decision before 9 a.m., I am incapable of doing so. Therefore, my morning tram ride racks me with an anxiety that leaves me unable to make important (gastronomical) decisions throughout the rest of the day. I\u2019ll walk you through a daily Tram Game.<\/p>\n

The Tram Game<\/b><\/p>\n

The Tram Game starts at the tram stop, where you must decide between standing next to two homeless guys (literally covered in feces) eating rolls or the young couple procreating in the tram stand. You choose the homeless guys, since you have always liked the monkey house, and public arousal has gotten you nothing but grief, an orange jump suit and the name #2918302983.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s time to get on the tram and now you must decide if it\u2019s OK to elbow old people in the throat. Here\u2019s the thing, old people are far craftier than they appear; they have been alive for a long time. There are never any at the tram stop, but as the tram approaches they come out of nowhere to stand directly in front of you. So, you do one of two things. You elbow one (nobody\u2019s judging you) or you find an alternative, non-geriatric route onto the tram.<\/p>\n

Sit or Stand<\/b><\/p>\n

OK, you\u2019re on the tram, one of the old people caught a (mystery) elbow to the larynx and there is a seat available for you to take! And it\u2019s early, so you definitely want it, but before you commit to that seat you will undoubtedly need some phrases to rationalize your decision. Here are a few you can practice at home:<\/p>\n

It\u2019s probably an old stain.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s probably spilled milk.<\/p>\n

He\u2019s very drunk, so he probably won\u2019t wake up.<\/p>\n

It looks as though he\u2019s already used that knife once today, so\u2026<\/p>\n

Condom, Shmondom!<\/p>\n

Pregnant or Fat<\/b><\/p>\n

You\u2019re sitting. You\u2019re reading. Besides the fact that you\u2019re on your way to a soul-crushing job and your hemorrhoids are staging an uprising, things are good. The tram has stopped and everyone appears to be under the age of 96, so you are in the clear. You\u2019re about to go back to your book, but something is coming towards you. What is this? Yes, it\u2019s a woman whose body is shaped precariously between that of a pregnant woman and that of a woman who just likes cake.<\/p>\n

The question is: Is she fat or is she pregnant? Now, before you make this decision, you need to take a deep breath, get yourself ready and think clearly. Is she fat or is she pregnant? If she\u2019s pregnant, she gets the seat by universal law, someone who\u2019s carrying another human inside of them gets dibs (see PDF section). But if she\u2019s fat, she stands on her cankles and you recline into your book with no worries. You can even take out a candy bar.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing. If you offer her the seat and she\u2019s just fat, you are a dead person. She will memorize your face, ear hair pattern, forehead shape or whatever it will take her to remember you so that one day in the future she can run you down with her car while stuffing Medovnik into her chubby throat.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a lose lose situation, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

No. This is when you pull out the trump by pretending you\u2019re asleep. Don\u2019t be afraid to play act it a bit, yawn and make little cat-like sounds as though you are dreaming of small mice or large women.<\/p>\n

The Age Game \u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n

This game is played every time an old person gets on the tram and there\u2019s no available seat. First off, a little preventive maintenance – sit away from the doors, as old people generally fling their bodies at the first head of brown hair they see. But if it wasn\u2019t possible to sit away from the doors, then you have to play.<\/p>\n

This game is played by everyone on the tram who\u2019s sitting, not pregnant and under 70 years-old and therefore, it is a battle of wills. All you have to do is avoid eye contact with said old person until someone else thinks about their grandma, feels guilty and gives in.<\/p>\n

Warning: Do not, I repeat, do not think about your grandmother, Harry Morgan or Betty White.<\/p>\n

PDF<\/b><\/p>\n

There is no country on Earth whose residents enjoy public displays of affection more than the Czech Republic. Most kids in Prague treat a tram ticket like a key to a one hour motel.<\/p>\n

Fortunately, the procreating couple at the tram stop has gotten on the tram with you and they intend to stay on until they get off. The couple is lucky enough to have gotten (one) seat, so they are now entangled in a Kama Sutra position so intricate and complicated that they now share a spleen.<\/p>\n

To look or not to look, that is the question.<\/p>\n

Tip: books = tents<\/p>\n

Boy Scout<\/b><\/p>\n

You\u2019ve reached your stop. It\u2019s time to leave all these people you have ignored, elbowed, engaged in a mild threesome with, and mocked. The only decision now is whether you will help the old lady out of the tram.<\/p>\n

And that decision is easy; you are a polite young person after all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Now, anyone who has seen how I dress daily knows that I am not only unwilling to make a decision before 9 a.m., I am incapable of doing so. Therefore, my morning tram ride racks me with an anxiety that leaves me unable to make important (gastronomical) decisions throughout the rest of the day. I\u2019ll […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1383","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-mj","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1383","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1383"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1383\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1385,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1383\/revisions\/1385"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}