{"id":1459,"date":"2013-05-09T08:00:51","date_gmt":"2013-05-09T06:00:51","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1459"},"modified":"2013-05-24T10:55:29","modified_gmt":"2013-05-24T08:55:29","slug":"sht-you-just-dont-say","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1459","title":{"rendered":"Sh*t You Just Don\u2019t Say"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"1983<\/a>I was sitting on a tram when I heard it. A man\u2019s voice in clear, American English to his female companion:<\/p>\n

\u201cHave you gained weight?\u201d<\/p>\n

In a country where the inhabitants keep to themselves so much so that you could beat a screeching hyena to death with another screeching hyena and not garner a response, it is telling that this garnered a reaction from the passengers. Everyone on the tram did one of two things: Wince or look at the man wearing some expression conveying awe. I did both.<\/p>\n

There was no reaction from the woman, who simply sat in quiet and plotted his grisly death. Had the man enjoyed one or more brain cells (which he obviously didn\u2019t) he’d have understood that he was in the deepest shit of his life. He didn\u2019t, so he continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cI mean, it\u2019s OK, you\u2019re just a little big\u2014chunkier<\/i> than when you first got here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Wince.<\/p>\n

Awe.<\/p>\n

Fortunately for the man, a car drove into the tram, thus providing a distraction grand enough to help him elude murder.<\/p>\n

I decided then and there that I would dedicate today\u2019s blog to keeping stupid people alive. So, I have scraped my memory and scoured my journals and notebooks and compiled this list of things that actual people have actually said to other people. Some of those people have been me, on both sides of the conversation.<\/p>\n

If you are stupid, then your only job is to read (if you can) this list and NEVER repeat any of it. If you are smart then add to this list, for we must help the dummies!<\/p>\n

Sh*t you just don\u2019t say:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry, cankles can be sexy on a girl if she wears them right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not fat. Well, you\u2019re not any fatter than you were when you were pregnant.\u201d (Me)<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re a sturdy woman.\u201d (You know who you are)<\/p>\n

Her: \u201cSo, you know how Osama Bin Laden is sort of sexy?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cIs there another Osama Bin Laden?\u201d<\/p>\n

Her: \u201cI don\u2019t think so.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me: \u201cThen, no.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI like black people.\u201d (The first and only words my white male companion said to a black busboy at a restaurant)<\/p>\n

(Busboy\u2019s response) \u201cThank you sir, I\u2019ll let the others know.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the nicest Jew I know.\u201d (Actual compliment given to a friend of mine. Not by me.)<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you rock a Hitler stache?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHitler had some good ideas.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGeez, I wish people would stop whining about the Holocaust.\u201d<\/p>\n

A: \u201cEveryone knows when you make a sex tape you have to wear a leather bag on your head.\u201d<\/p>\n

B: \u201cWell, duh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWomen have orgasms?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEnglish is the easier language on the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m probably going to cheat on you; I\u2019ve cheated on all the others. That\u2019s why I\u2019m single.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat can I threaten to take away from my employees in order to motivate them?\u201d<\/p>\n

“Don’t worry, he likes bigger girls.”<\/p>\n

Man: \u201cSize absolutely doesn\u2019t matter and anyone who tells you that has a small dick.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI call my mother.\u201d (In answer to the question: What do you do immediately after watching porn?)<\/p>\n

\u201cI voted for George W. Bush. Twice.”<\/p>\n

Over to you <\/strong><\/p>\n

I demand that you add to this list! And since I know many of you, and I know that you know lots and lots of stupid people, you should all have some line to add to a list called sh*t you just don’t say!<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was sitting on a tram when I heard it. A man\u2019s voice in clear, American English to his female companion: \u201cHave you gained weight?\u201d In a country where the inhabitants keep to themselves so much so that you could beat a screeching hyena to death with another screeching hyena and not garner a response, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1459","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-nx","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1459"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1476,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1459\/revisions\/1476"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1459"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1459"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1459"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}