{"id":1535,"date":"2013-07-01T11:41:44","date_gmt":"2013-07-01T09:41:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1535"},"modified":"2013-08-01T13:34:34","modified_gmt":"2013-08-01T11:34:34","slug":"dear-technology-back-the-fck-off","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1535","title":{"rendered":"Dear Technology, Back the F*ck off\u2026"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Police<\/a>I am enjoying a Sunday evening, lounging with a zombie show and a bowl of popcorn, when my phone suddenly begins emitting a series of metallic rings. That means notification. Lots<\/i> of notifications. I am now excited, for a hovel dwelling, cat owning troglodyte, lots of notifications means not only someone, but some people<\/i>, are requesting the pleasure of my\u2026well, at least attention.<\/p>\n

The first notification shows an icon of a little man in mid-stride; an icon I am unfamiliar with. It\u2019s the running application I downloaded last week reminding me that I haven’t scheduled a run yet.<\/p>\n

I am being scolded.<\/p>\n

I sit back on the couch and shout across the room to my phone, \u201cFor your information, I ran 14.2 miles last week, you pushy little dick.\u201d<\/p>\n

Sometimes I think technology\u2019s overall goal is to make me feel guilty. Being scolded by humans is difficult enough, but being scolded by a computer is just too much.<\/p>\n

So I sit down and I write this email to technology.<\/p>\n

Dear Technology,<\/p>\n

I have a bone to pick with you; you\u2019re getting a little too pushy.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with the positives. It\u2019s true that you know best when to update my programs and which websites to avoid, and on those scores I love having you in my life. I also love having you around for your ability to find the exact porn I want, the ability to tell me when the transport comes and the ability to translate phrases I need at the post office and supermarket.<\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing: back the fuck off. It\u2019s bad enough that you make me accessible to my boss at all hours of the day and night, but do you really need to let them know I have \u2018seen\u2019 their email? Avoidance is my fallback position, and you are making that more difficult. I mean, whose side are you on, technology?<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s just set out some ground rules. I don\u2019t need you to tell me when I should run, or how many calories I have burned when I have just done so. I don\u2019t need you to suggest more people I should involve in an email, and I don\u2019t need you to tell me how long it\u2019s been since I visited a website.<\/p>\n

Stop suggesting people I might know on Facebook, because for the most part I don\u2019t know them and the ones I do know, I don\u2019t like. There is a reason I am not Facebook friends with them to begin with, have you ever thought of that, technology? And while we are on the subject of Facebook, I have one big complaint. When I wish someone happy birthday, don\u2019t tell me to send them a fucking present. Got it? If I wanted to send this person a gift it would be a shot of some sort of liquor, not a God damn Frappuccino from Starbucks or a giftcard to the Olive Garden. I am their Facebook friend, not their grandmother.<\/p>\n

And if you send that ovulation software (Womanlog) to my, uh, friend<\/i>, one more time, we are done for good. OK?<\/p>\n

Anyway, I hope we can still be friends and I hope that you continue to translate stuff, deliver me lesbian prison porn, and tell me when the trams run. I just thought we should clear the air.<\/p>\n

Sincerely yours,<\/p>\n

Gary Coleman<\/p>\n

PS: The other three notifications on my phone inform me about software I should download.<\/p>\n

Bastard<\/p>\n

How does technology get too pushy with you?<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I am enjoying a Sunday evening, lounging with a zombie show and a bowl of popcorn, when my phone suddenly begins emitting a series of metallic rings. That means notification. Lots of notifications. I am now excited, for a hovel dwelling, cat owning troglodyte, lots of notifications means not only someone, but some people, are […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1535","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-oL","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1535","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1535"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1535\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1583,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1535\/revisions\/1583"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1535"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1535"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1535"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}