{"id":1551,"date":"2013-07-15T11:38:30","date_gmt":"2013-07-15T09:38:30","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1551"},"modified":"2015-03-07T10:06:28","modified_gmt":"2015-03-07T09:06:28","slug":"urine-for-it-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1551","title":{"rendered":"Urine for It Now!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Hold<\/a>As a rule, it\u2019s never good when a person spends more than two seconds peering into a just used toilet. It\u2019s even worse if they are sniffing; worse still if they are wearing a look that universally depicts confusion. And if that person standing above the toilet smells watermelon and roofer’s glue, then, well, Houston, we\u2019ve got a problem.<\/p>\n

I shall explain.<\/p>\n

One of the only benefits to having no sense of smell is that you are spared the rotten smells that everyday life has to offer. So, I do not fear public bathrooms. The B Monster’s morning bunghole greetings do not disturb me with the obvious odor, but rather the fact that she thinks I’m her proctologist.<\/p>\n

And as a short man in a city whose inhabitants embrace the use of public transport and the nonuse of deodorant, I should be in hell. But instead I stand between homeless men covered in their own waste, and beneath armpits that are soaked through. In a place which is married to the ideas of greasy foods, smoking in pubs, not cleaning beer splashed floors and not opening windows, I can deal better than other expats. With this disability that revokes so much pleasure from my life, I have clung to this anti-superhero inability to avoid assault from disgusting stenches.<\/p>\n

But now, it seems that there is one thing I can smell: urine. And not just urine, but different, uh, flavored<\/i> urine.<\/p>\n

I first noticed this a while ago with asparagus. Everyone knows that asparagus pee gives off a strange odor, like some combination of cooked lentils and Harvey Keitel, but I was surprised when I could smell it. I used to eat asparagus just to be able to smell the urine afterwards, feeling for a short moment that I was normal. This \u2018normal\u2019 feeling being greatly dissipated by kneeling in front a toilet smelling my pee. I eventually stopped buying asparagus in fear of becoming a fetishist. And I already have so many.<\/p>\n

But then, in the last months or so, I have noticed that I can smell other flavors (tee-hee) of urine. I have found that urine ala watermelon boasts a robust sweetness with hints of roofer\u2019s glue. A post-run pee smells like roasted almonds combined with lemon snaps. Imagine the smell that would come from dumping a tub of paint thinner into the Le Brea Tar Pits and you have coffee urine. Beer urine doesn\u2019t smell like anything, yet. Thank. God.<\/p>\n

I have implored the heavens and all major and minor deities concerning the irony to my situation. Shouting things into my flat like: \u201cYou fucking prick(s), whoever you are, I can\u2019t smell a girl\u2019s neck, but I can smell watermelon piss?\u201d<\/p>\n

Then I figured that I should just get over it and expand my research. So I am now eating and drinking a wider assortment of foods and beverages. I\u2019ve been trying things I normally don\u2019t eat or drink, like honeydew, brie, German vodka, strawberry ice cream, and eggplant. I am hoping that these might produce some recognizable odor. And maybe by mixing and matching different items, I can produce a better smell, or a pleasant smell. Something I\u2019m more used to, or something I miss, like girl\u2019s necks and pizza bagels, or stinky pubs and underarms.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a rule, it\u2019s never good when a person spends more than two seconds peering into a just used toilet. It\u2019s even worse if they are sniffing; worse still if they are wearing a look that universally depicts confusion. And if that person standing above the toilet smells watermelon and roofer’s glue, then, well, Houston, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-p1","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1551"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1551\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1553,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1551\/revisions\/1553"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}