{"id":1753,"date":"2013-11-10T20:05:28","date_gmt":"2013-11-10T19:05:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1753"},"modified":"2015-10-24T11:41:45","modified_gmt":"2015-10-24T09:41:45","slug":"why-is-everyone-trying-to-make-me-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1753","title":{"rendered":"Why is Everyone Trying to Make Me Cry?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Wretched\"<\/a>It\u2019s morning and I\u2019m crying.<\/p>\n

This is odd for a couple of reasons. In the first place, morning usually isn\u2019t conducive to exhibiting a range of emotions. Morning is a time reserved for a mixture of depression and confusion that I imagine will only get worse as my age stampedes forward.<\/p>\n

My tears are also odd because I\u2019m on Facebook. The emotions I usually exhibit on Facebook are annoyance \u2013 people really need to figure out what constitutes a fucking meme, laughter \u2013 I don\u2019t care what you say, cats make me laugh, and disgust \u2013 great, he\u2019s procreated. Now if he could only differentiate your<\/i> from you\u2019re.<\/i><\/p>\n

Since confusion is my controlling feeling, I can\u2019t remember why I started crying in the first place. I go back through my news feed to see what the offending piece was. I find it instantly in a friend\u2019s status update, which is a comment and a video.<\/p>\n

Status: Watch this and you\u2019ll be crying in 2 minutes.<\/p>\n

Title of the video: Watch Teenage Football Players Do Something Very Unexpected.<\/p>\n

I watch it again. And sure enough, by the time the video introduces the loveable protagonist, I am choking back manly tears.<\/p>\n

But it doesn\u2019t stop there.<\/p>\n

I scroll down through my news feed and almost immediately stumble upon another status with the word \u2018cry\u2019 in it.<\/p>\n

Status: Crying!<\/p>\n

Title of video: Watch this soldier surprise his daughter by coming home from war.<\/p>\n

Oh, come on! What am I, made of stone? Personally, I would describe my crying as masculine and dignified. If the B Monster could talk, however, she might use words like \u201cwailing\u201d and \u201chysterical\u201d or phrases like \u201ccrumple into a mess of pajamas and sobs.\u201d<\/p>\n

But she can\u2019t, because she\u2019s a cat.<\/p>\n

Then it dawns on me \u2013 why does everyone want me to cry? Is there some global conspiracy to drain people of their tears?<\/p>\n

I do some research YouTube. I enter the word Videos<\/i> into a search engine and YouTube finishes the phrase for me: that will make you cry<\/i><\/p>\n

Aha! Case for conspiracy building.<\/p>\n

The whole page is covered in the word \u2018cry.\u2019<\/p>\n

Warning: This Video will make you cry. <\/b>Well, then, why am I going to watch it?<\/p>\n

A sad love story: A true and tragic love story that will make you cry<\/b>. Oh goodie, because I need a tragic love story to add to my creeping seasonal depression.<\/p>\n

Inspirational: try to watch without crying. 90% of people cry. <\/b>And who the fuck polled that?<\/p>\n

If you need a good cry, watch this video. <\/b>So this is what we\u2019ve become \u2013 a society of people who \u201cneed a good cry?\u201d<\/p>\n

Oy vey.<\/p>\n

Trust me people, if I \u201cneed a good cry\u201d I am covered.<\/p>\n

If I want to do an inside, quiet, soul-crushing cry, I can look at my bank statement. I can do the laughing cry of bitter regret by looking at what my high school classmates have achieved. If I want an inspirational cry, I can watch Mr. Holland\u2019s Opus<\/i>. If I want to cry at a group of people taking a sardonic look at their desperately negative and bleak life, I can watch almost any Czech film.<\/p>\n

Or to do all of these at one time, I can always take off my shirt and look in the mirror.<\/p>\n

So, please, stop giving me more reasons to cry.<\/p>\n

Have you noticed this alarming trend? <\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s morning and I\u2019m crying. This is odd for a couple of reasons. In the first place, morning usually isn\u2019t conducive to exhibiting a range of emotions. Morning is a time reserved for a mixture of depression and confusion that I imagine will only get worse as my age stampedes forward. My tears are also […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1753","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-sh","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1753"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2917,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1753\/revisions\/2917"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1753"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1753"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1753"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}