{"id":1803,"date":"2013-12-15T20:46:18","date_gmt":"2013-12-15T19:46:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1803"},"modified":"2024-07-23T09:30:38","modified_gmt":"2024-07-23T07:30:38","slug":"facebook-kids","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1803","title":{"rendered":"Facebook Kids"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"sad<\/a>Little Cutter just shit his diaper and it looks like an orange hobgoblin! <\/i><\/p>\n

Little Tristan plays with his little wiener all day long. <\/i><\/p>\n

Little Chloe touched an old lady\u2019s boob and barked like a seal. So cute!<\/i><\/p>\n

I see status updates like this every day on Facebook:<\/p>\n

Little [Enter trendy baby name here] has been [Enter embarrassing activity here].<\/p>\n

OK, let\u2019s get a few things straight. I know that when it comes to kids I come off as a grumpy curmudgeon. I guess people jump to that conclusion because I say things like, \u201cI hate kids,\u201d or \u201cGet that horrible monster away from me.\u201d Prejudiced jerks.<\/p>\n

The truth is that I like kids. Well, I don\u2019t dislike them. Actively. I put on the curmudgeon act more for comedic effect than anything else. Usually. Sometimes. Do not bring your child to my house. Ever.<\/p>\n

Still, I am not writing this to complain about my Facebook friends who are parents. I am not writing about you, whoever you are. If you are still friends with me on Facebook, I obviously do not find your brand of child promotion that<\/i> offensive. And if you aren\u2019t friends with me on Facebook, then what do you care?<\/p>\n

I am writing this because I am concerned.<\/p>\n

In a few years, we are going to have whole societies of teenagers whose every detail of childhood is known to 350 people they have never met. So strangers will know that little Tristan used to diddle his weenie when he was young. Strangers will know that little Cutter got his ass kicked by his sister and that little Siobhan had a persistent rash on her rump.<\/p>\n

And then there are the pictures: prenatal, postnatal, awkward, sleeping, naked. The worst thing my parents ever did \u2013 well, that I haven\u2019t suppressed \u2013 was breaking out the photo album when my prom date arrived. Now, all of a kid’s embarrassing pictures are on public display. The most I do is embarrass my cat and how much can you embarrass an animal which eats her own puke and lick cleans her own butt?<\/p>\n

Facebook kids will not enjoy the same privacy I did about things that could cause a kid a lot of embarrassment. And while most parents surely do not post about their kids with the intention of invading their privacy, it could have that effect. This in turn could make them grumpier, moodier, and more irrational – so, business as usual in the teenage world. My mother once mentioned my D in Calculus to a neighbor and I threw an epic temper tantrum. I don\u2019t know how I\u2019d react if my mother mentioned my propensity for eating boogies or licking paste to dozens of people I never met.<\/p>\n

Interactions like this will become every day!<\/p>\n

Tristan: \u201cI want this position because I feel I can offer a lot to this company.\u201d<\/p>\n

Interviewer: (looking at resume) \u201cTristan Jones? Oh gosh, I’m Facebook friends with your mom. Did you ever stop touching your penis?\u201d<\/p>\n

Tristan: \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Actually, I don\u2019t know why I\u2019m worried. Facebook kids also put their totally personal details on public display. By the time they are in their teens, it will be common to write status updates about your gynecological visits and your anal polyps.<\/p>\n

I guess an orange hobgoblin poop doesn\u2019t sound so bad after all, does it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Little Cutter just shit his diaper and it looks like an orange hobgoblin! Little Tristan plays with his little wiener all day long. Little Chloe touched an old lady\u2019s boob and barked like a seal. So cute! I see status updates like this every day on Facebook: Little [Enter trendy baby name here] has been […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1803","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-t5","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1803","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1803"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1803\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1807,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1803\/revisions\/1807"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1803"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1803"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1803"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}