{"id":1896,"date":"2014-02-13T10:50:58","date_gmt":"2014-02-13T09:50:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1896"},"modified":"2014-02-13T10:50:58","modified_gmt":"2014-02-13T09:50:58","slug":"at-your-service","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=1896","title":{"rendered":"At Your Service"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"berlusconi<\/a>Valentine\u2019s Day can be tough on people, no matter who you are. You can be under immense pressure to plan something romantic, under immense pressure to put out after something romantic, or sad about being in neither of those positions. You could be dreading the looks of the shop assistant who hands you a bucket of brownies and a bottle of bourbon. Or you might just not give a flying frick.<\/p>\n

Why is it so tough? Well, because this is the god of all non-holidays. Valentine\u2019s Day is like a day ostensibly conjured up for lovers, but really just serves to make people uncomfortable and unhappy.<\/p>\n

As a man for others, I am offering several services this Valentine\u2019s Day. These services are unisex offers.<\/p>\n

Good conversation<\/strong>. Yes, this means that I will come to your house and have any conversation you want. The theme can be Valentine\u2019s Day \u2013 Such a stupid<\/i> \u201choliday!\u201d It can blindly supportive of your singleness \u2013 Someone will come knocking at your door one day.<\/p>\n

Hell, we can even just watch romantic comedies and there\u2019s a solid chance I won\u2019t even let you see me roll my eyes once. Any film with Sandra Bullock is twice the charge and I provide my own brownies. My own<\/i>.<\/p>\n

Valentine\u2019s Henchman<\/strong>. This means I will dump someone for you. Dumping someone on Valentine\u2019s Day? Wow, not even Louis VIII would have done that. To even consider doing something this cruel is against the Geneva Convention. And there\u2019s a good chance you\u2019ll get kicked, punched, or bitten, and maybe worse if you\u2019re a guy.<\/p>\n

But, and here\u2019s the thing, I. Don\u2019t. Care.<\/p>\n

I will break up with your partner any way you\u2019d like. I will let them down easy, bring them to a strip club, or show up with candy. I will dress up as a Viking and hit them with a club or deliver the news as a drive by shooting. I\u2019ll do it in song, in public, or in the nude. So if you have some person hanging around and you\u2019ve had just the right amount of booze, give me a ring.<\/p>\n

Lower those expectations.<\/strong> If there\u2019s one thing I\u2019ve learned about Valentine\u2019s Day it\u2019s that it makes everyone a liar. No matter what people say, they usually do want a night of romance and attention and being spoiled. Who wouldn\u2019t? It\u2019s a natural human want.<\/p>\n

But let\u2019s say you get that night of romance and attention, what happens on February 15th<\/sup>? Right, the party\u2019s over.<\/p>\n

In order to prepare you for this, I offer a night so void of romance, that you\u2019ll not crave a man\u2019s attention for three months. It\u2019ll start at a McDonald\u2019s (with coupon), then we\u2019ll wander to the nearest park bench and split a box of red wine. Then you\u2019ll pay for a cab to your place, we\u2019ll watch some porn, and I\u2019ll fall asleep in my underwear on your couch while watching sitcoms.<\/p>\n

You. Are. Welcome.<\/p>\n

Miscellaneous Valentine\u2019s Services.<\/strong> I know there are a lot of people out there who need some support on this the mother of all who-gives-a-rat\u2019s-chewy-ass of a holiday. So I am at your service. Need someone to come to your house and eat stuff? Need someone to stand next to you on your date so you look taller and slimmer? I can also call your mother and tell her you\u2019re gay. Shit, I\u2019ll call your mother and tell her I\u2019m gay. Whatever you need.<\/p>\n

Or, I could just go out drinking with you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Valentine\u2019s Day can be tough on people, no matter who you are. You can be under immense pressure to plan something romantic, under immense pressure to put out after something romantic, or sad about being in neither of those positions. You could be dreading the looks of the shop assistant who hands you a bucket […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1896","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-uA","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1896","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1896"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1896\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1897,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1896\/revisions\/1897"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1896"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1896"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1896"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}