When the first hard\u00a0copy of my novel arrives in the mail, my feelings\u00a0are\u00a0somewhere between proud and terrified.\u00a0A proof copy is the first hard copy of a novel and it is the last chance for a\u00a0writer to check for mistakes or catch any problems before the book is available for sale.<\/p>\n
I\u00a0take out a pencil and sit on the couch. I\u00a0am wearing no pants.<\/p>\n
In Langhorne, Pennsylvania, in August, the weather is similar to that of Dante’s 8th circle of Hell, with the overall humidity of Godzilla’s throat duct. For this reason, pants and I\u00a0have the same necessity-based relationship that deodorant\u00a0and I have on Sunday morning. I utilize them if non-related company is coming or I am going to a funeral. So, fully intending to lounge on the couch, watch baseball and go through the proof copy, I revel in my pantslessness.<\/p>\n
Page 6 – editorial\u00a0problem #1,\u00a0missing comma.<\/p>\n
Now, the seconds tick away at an unnatural volume and the slightest noise aggravates me to an impossible degree. My mother clicks her tongue like a Khoisan Bushman and shouts a\u00a0string of questions at my father, who can’t hear anything over mission control – four\u00a0fans, a TV and the soundtrack of the Iphone\u00a0game he’s playing.<\/p>\n
When the Phillies give up two early runs to the Giants seconds before I find editorial\u00a0problem #2 (small m in mom, page 17), I decide to leave the house instead of ending up on The News of the Weird for bludgeoning my parents to death with my own novel.<\/p>\n
Three minutes later I\u00a0am sitting, with pants on, at the bar in The Horne, my local pub.<\/p>\n
My Tourette’s-like twitching and angry grumbles, followed by an aggressive\u00a0mark in my notebook are enough to keep The Horne’s regulars at bay. As I read through the book, one word is barreling through my mind:<\/p>\n
TORTURE<\/p>\n
At every turn of the page, I am reminded of some element of torture involved in writing the book. I am reminded of Lee’s punishment for missing a deadline – I had to buy his first\u00a0three Becherovkas\u00a0on Friday afternoon and could not partake in them. I remember glaring holes into his head as he took his time sipping the Bechies, this man who usually drinks three Becherovkas in under ten minutes. Nevertheless,\u00a0it\u00a0was the last time I was late on a deadline, so I guess torture\u00a0has its rewards.<\/p>\n
Further, I also created the descriptive exercise of imagining\u00a0a dear friend spontaneously combusting.<\/p>\n
More tortures come to mind as I turn the\u00a0pages and order the Rumpleminz. The upstairs neighbors who were using every power tool known to man to renovate\u00a0their flat and me ticking\u00a0away at the keyboard with earphones on and murder in my mind.<\/p>\n
The drunks shouting at each other as they came up the steps behind my building at 3 a.m., while I was trying to finish a chapter (to avoid another Becherovka punishment) and the half-rotten oranges I threw at them and the near-Nirvana I reached when I hit one of them squarely and heard a shouted “Ty Vole!” as proof.<\/p>\n
I typed the book on an\u00a0eight year old laptop that was\u00a0five years past its prime. I used\u00a0a small table and a rickety chair that destroyed my back. I read over my notes in a bath at night, and still do, as the cat reads over my shoulder.<\/p>\n
When it was all over,\u00a0the laptop made the mistake of crapping out on me on\u00a0a night when I’d been drinking Irish whiskey and I remember the pleasure of the overhand right I sent through the screen, shattering it, and the orgasmic\u00a0release that rippled through me as I heaved it off my balcony.<\/p>\n
Torture definitely has its rewards.<\/p>\n
I finish reading the whole book – 56 editorial\u00a0problems –\u00a0I stretch and pay my tab – $31, plus tip. I\u00a0go home, my eyes are bleary\u00a0and I\u00a0am exhausted and\u00a0anxious\u00a0from second guessing my writing and edits. I find a note in the kitchen from my mom, there’s a Frogurt\u00a0in the freezer for me. With rainbow Jimmies.<\/p>\n
Yep, torture has its rewards.<\/p>\n
Best reward for torture?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When the first hard\u00a0copy of my novel arrives in the mail, my feelings\u00a0are\u00a0somewhere between proud and terrified.\u00a0A proof copy is the first hard copy of a novel and it is the last chance for a\u00a0writer to check for mistakes or catch any problems before the book is available for sale. I\u00a0take out a pencil and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-3e","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/200","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=200"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/200\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1086,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/200\/revisions\/1086"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=200"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=200"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=200"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}