{"id":2027,"date":"2014-05-22T10:36:38","date_gmt":"2014-05-22T08:36:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=2027"},"modified":"2014-05-22T10:38:20","modified_gmt":"2014-05-22T08:38:20","slug":"the-break-up","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=2027","title":{"rendered":"The Break up"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"no<\/a>With an hour to kill and a desperate screeching coming from my belly, I hit my favorite kebab joint in Andel. It\u2019s a cheap, quiet place that offers huge portions of Turkish food that quells my need or interest in human partnership.<\/p>\n

I order, then carry my heavy plate through the bustling middle room and into the nearly empty backroom. There are three tables, I sit at the back one. Besides myself, there is a couple huddled together at the far table, murmuring to each other in that imperceptible language that only couples speak in.<\/p>\n

I pray to Gluttovia, the Sumerian goddess of the gluttony that is about to visit my table. Just then, the woman explodes into a shit storm of tears and sobs. The man looks morose, holds her hand.<\/p>\n

Crap. They\u2019re breaking up.<\/p>\n

In some way or another, this has happened to all of us. You\u2019ve either been the person dumping in public, the person getting dumped in public, or the fat innocent bystander trying to eat a kebab. The awkwardness fills the room like that time your grandmother caught you in her makeup and lingerie. My brain snaps into escape mode. The other room is full, so I can\u2019t leave. How can I dissipate the awkwardness?<\/p>\n

First, I consider laughing and pointing. I search my mental catalog of Czech for \u201choly crap, you\u2019re getting dumped in a kebab stand!\u201d This would probably drive them out of the room, thus freeing me of this awkwardness. Because let\u2019s be honest, this is all about me and my sandwich. Still, I decide against this.<\/p>\n

I then consider bursting into tears of my own. I could fall on the ground, wail and heave, and mutter something in wild gibberish. I figure that if I could make them feel as uncomfortable as I do right now, they\u2019ll leave. They are finished eating; there is nothing keeping them here except their obvious interest in torturing me. One glance at the floor, which resembles an obstetrician\u2019s surgery after a delivery, nixes this possibility.<\/p>\n

I then actually think of joining them. I\u2019ll explain that I couldn\u2019t hear their conversation from over in the corner and that if they don\u2019t mind explaining their entire lives to me in rudimentary Czech I\u2019ll fix their problems in even more rudimentary Czech. I also consider going over and telling the woman: \u201clook, what are you crying for? This guy is dumping you in a fucking kebab stand. Shake hands, cut your losses, and find the nearest bar.\u201d<\/p>\n

I take a bite, so the world is mildly righted. However, even a delicious kebab can\u2019t block out the sobbing of a hysterical woman and the murmurs of her horrified extremely-recent ex.<\/p>\n

In my desperation I consider doing something, anything, insane enough to end this situation. What if I jumped up on the table and started dancing the Macarena? Maybe I\u2019ll masturbate, if past experience is any indication then that will surely clear a restaurant. Or maybe I\u2019ll break up with my kebab, start crying, shouting, and accusing her of being eaten by other men. And then I\u2019ll throw her away and storm out.<\/p>\n

And then I come to my senses. Did I just consider breaking up with my kebab? What was I thinking? I hold my kebab close, apologize in a low voice, promise it\u2019ll never happen again.<\/p>\n

The couple leaves the room while casting me odd glances. And then I eat.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With an hour to kill and a desperate screeching coming from my belly, I hit my favorite kebab joint in Andel. It\u2019s a cheap, quiet place that offers huge portions of Turkish food that quells my need or interest in human partnership. I order, then carry my heavy plate through the bustling middle room and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2027","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-wH","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2027","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2027"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2027\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2030,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2027\/revisions\/2030"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2027"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2027"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2027"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}