{"id":2136,"date":"2014-08-13T03:19:27","date_gmt":"2014-08-13T01:19:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=2136"},"modified":"2018-10-29T08:52:20","modified_gmt":"2018-10-29T07:52:20","slug":"i-aint-him-im-his-brother","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=2136","title":{"rendered":"I Ain\u2019t Him, I\u2019m His Brother"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"NICE<\/a>It happens every time I walk into a shop, a bar, or just down the street. It happens whenever I see another person in my hometown. They look at me in that way you do when you recognize someone who you owe money.<\/p>\n

\u201cHey, how\u2019s it going?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou been busy?\u201d<\/p>\n

And then I know it for sure, it\u2019s not me they\u2019re talking to, it\u2019s my brother. Now, my brother\u2019s not a bad-looking guy and there are certainly similarities. We both have a habit of stripping off our pants in public, often together. We have a raspy voice, love Miller High Life, do not suffer fools, and have a relationship with the spoken curse that borders on narcotic dependency. Moreover, we have dark hair, dark eyes, and a Cro-Magnon brow inhabited by bushy eyebrows.<\/p>\n

But, and I cannot stress this enough, I am not him. In Langhorne, Pennsylvania, I do something I never have to do anywhere else: assert my individuality! I suppose all of us want to be physically individual. Do you like being told that you remind someone of someone else? If you do this to someone in bed they are legally allowed to pee on your toilet seat.<\/p>\n

The local bar, The Horne, is dark. The bartender does the recognition nod as I approach. \u201cHey, I almost didn\u2019t recognize you,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI almost didn\u2019t recognize you with those glasses on.\u201d<\/p>\n

I look at the other bartender who is smiling and shaking his head. He has played and lost the recognition game before; he knows exactly what\u2019s happening.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t recognize me. You recognize my brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

She pauses. Laughs. \u201cOh,\u201d she says, and bends her neck, letting out a very deliberate \u201chaha.\u201d The haha<\/em> you let out when you\u2019ve caught someone pulling one over on you. The haha<\/em> you let out when you\u2019re sister lets the air out of your tires or your cousin tells you he ate your portion of the pizza bagels. A distinct \u201cI am not amused\u201d haha<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cRight,\u201d she says. \u201cYou almost had me.\u201d<\/p>\n

I am cracking my toe knuckles.<\/p>\n

\u201cLet me guess \u2013 High Life?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Hm. She has made my case slightly more difficult to win.<\/p>\n

The other bartender gets involved. \u201cNah, he ain\u2019t him. He\u2019s his brother.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhose brother?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHis.\u201d The bartender points at me.<\/p>\n

I foresee the Abbott and Costello skit from hell, so I ask for my beer. I get it. I could care less about whatever happens after that.<\/p>\n

I have seen enough episodes of Colombo and Monk to know that a twin features heavily in several plots. And while my brother and I are not twins, apparently it\u2019d be tough to tell us apart in a line up. Maybe this is something I could consider using to my advantage. Are you him? Yes, can I borrow your car?<\/em><\/p>\n

I have the added benefit of living out-of-town. And not just out-of-town, but across an ocean in a state which is highly uncooperative to anyone inside their borders. I can only imagine their extradition process. I\u2019d be retiring by the time they sent me back. I could do so much damage, borrow money, rent ATVs, have affairs with the grizzled wives of union leaders. I have daydreams of becoming a minor hood in Langhorne, Pennsylvania.<\/p>\n

As he often does, Jean Valjean ruins my plan. I am running. The morning is Philadelphia humid, hot, and heavy. Les Miserables is propelling me forth in appropriate misery. A man across the street from my parents\u2019 house asks my opinion on the upcoming Eagles season. I want to shout back that the regular season will probably have 16 games, thus exhausting my NFL expertise, instead I smile and jog away. Doesn\u2019t he think it\u2019s weird that my brother has gone grey since the last time he\u2019s seen him?<\/p>\n

If you don\u2019t know the story of Jean Valjean, here are the bullet points:<\/p>\n