\u201cGood evening, ladies and gentlemen,\u201d the pilot says.<\/p>\n
This is bad for two reasons. In the first place, we are being addressed by the pilot in the departure lounge before boarding the plane. Pilots don\u2019t just drop out to chit chat with the masses before a flight.<\/p>\n
This means trouble.<\/p>\n
Secondly, the physical appearance of the pilot is disturbing. Pilots should be invisible geniuses with soothing, trustworthy voices whose only goal in life is to keep me alive. I have a similar rule regarding doctors and their fingernail grooming. Since the voice is the only quality I have to judge a pilot with, I have become an obsessive student of their voices and analyze their phonetic qualities.<\/p>\n
A high-pitched voice with a wavering lilt betrays a pilot\u2019s inability to maintain a relationship with another human being. A voice that is overly deep and manly tells me that the pilot needs to fly an airplane to substitute for another lacking physical feature. Any grammatical errors are unforgivable and force me to create a biography riddled with felonies.<\/p>\n
Pilots are among the three professions wherein the only acceptable voice is a baritone with a light southern twang. The other two are democratic U.S presidents and high-ranking military officials.<\/p>\n
The pilot continues. \u201cI am afraid that we have a small mechanical problem, but at the most we are looking at a two hour delay. Our highest priority are your safety, so we need to just check out a thing or two.\u201d This pilot\u2019s voice is soft and carries a northeastern U.S accent. \u201cIt shouldn\u2019t be long, so why not take a walk and get a drink and come back in half an hour and check on the status. We should be ready to go in just a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n
The problem with this pilot\u2019s voice isn\u2019t the voice itself, it\u2019s the fact that it\u2019s cracking. This tells every passenger one terrible truth:<\/p>\n
Everything I am saying is a euphemism for something far worse.<\/p>\n
A \u201csmall mechanical problem\u201d means that they are trying to duct tape one of the wheels back on. A two hour delay and get a drink mean \u201cWe aren\u2019t going anywhere, anytime soon, so please grab your ankles and enjoy a $9.50 bottle of beer.\u201d And \u201ccheck on the status\u201d means come back later when I\u2019m back, invisible in the cockpit and bitch at someone who isn\u2019t me.\u201d<\/p>\n
My $9.50 beer is a Molson Canadian and while drinking it I punish the pilot for his grammatical error. His rap sheet includes public nudity and flashing. With my second $9.50 beer, it’s bestiality.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cGood evening, ladies and gentlemen,\u201d the pilot says. This is bad for two reasons. In the first place, we are being addressed by the pilot in the departure lounge before boarding the plane. Pilots don\u2019t just drop out to chit chat with the masses before a flight. This means trouble.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-233","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-3L","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=233"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":291,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/233\/revisions\/291"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=233"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=233"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=233"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}