{"id":384,"date":"2011-10-13T14:00:56","date_gmt":"2011-10-13T12:00:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=384"},"modified":"2012-11-06T12:36:50","modified_gmt":"2012-11-06T11:36:50","slug":"english-lessons-for-the-scatalogically-ignorant","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=384","title":{"rendered":"English Lessons for the Scatalogically Ignorant"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Masarwa<\/a>It\u2019s five minutes before my noon class on Tuesday, October 11th,<\/sup> 2011, my 37th<\/sup> birthday. It\u2019s an otherwise ordinary day: I\u2019m laying out markers, practicing grammatical example sentences, eyeing up trouble students. I pour a glass of water and reconfigure my boxer shorts in an effort to counteract their invasive nature. I lean over, feigning interest in my notes while my hands are in my pockets unrolling them against my thigh.<\/p>\n

At one minute to noon, as I am engaging in small talk to get the students laughing but stopping short of breeching my lesson plan, I get the call.<\/p>\n

The call comes every October 11th<\/sup>. The message is exactly the same every year, though the voice sounds a year older each time. I pick up my phone.<\/p>\n

\u201cHello,\u201d I say.<\/p>\n

\u201cHappy birthday, you fat cunt!\u201d the voice has the same Cockney, but is a bit more grizzled than on October 11th,<\/sup> 2010.<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks, buddy.\u201d The students are reading my expressions and whispering amongst themselves.<\/p>\n

\u201cLove you, mate,\u201d the voice says.<\/p>\n

\u201cLove you too.\u201d<\/p>\n

Click. Class begins.<\/p>\n

The class goes well. I make jokes and don\u2019t feel thirty-seven at all. The students laugh when they\u2019re supposed to, work when they\u2019re supposed to, and crinkle their brows in understanding when they\u2019re supposed to. I feel good and exuberant. You are only as old as you feel, I think to myself as I leap around the room, reaching the unreachable star of making twenty-year-olds interested in grammar.<\/p>\n

And then something happens.<\/p>\n

One of my students takes out a two liter bottle of coke and takes a huge tug on it. The action evokes a gasp from me. I look around the room at the other students eating chocolate and cheese sticks.<\/p>\n

The girl drinking soda notices my look of amazement and frowns. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat soda is so bad for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n

This sends me into a four-minute proclamation about moderation, drinking water, eating vegetables and the dangers of too much cheese. I move on to the glorious kidneys and her need for juice and water; about the resilient liver and its oft-overworked chambers.<\/p>\n

I turn to a student. \u201cWhen was the last time you went to the bathroom to sit down<\/em>?\u201d I vocally italicize the last phrase.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d he laughs as he gets the meaning of the question. \u201cHm, I don\u2019t know,\u201d he says and stares off in search of the answer.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God!\u201d I can\u2019t imagine not having this information. Perhaps this is because I employ a poop chart in my mind. This chart is not discussed with the students. However, and to the delight of the students, I embark on an edict on keeping regular and the need for a good bowel movement once a day. \u201cIt\u2019s why coffee exists,\u201d I shout. I draw a picture of the ascending colon and discuss its need for apples and plums.<\/p>\n

I feel that I am getting through to them. One student is taking notes, another has drawn my ascending colon. A third has written and circled in red pen: coffee = poop.<\/p>\n

This feeling of accomplishment is blown out of the water when a buzz concerning the cafeteria\u2019s lunch special runs through the classroom.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is for lunch today?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n

\u201cSma\u017een\u00fd s\u00fdr,\u201d is the unanimous, and joyous, answer. A block of fried cheese.<\/p>\n

Class ends. Two difficult realizations encroach as I wipe down the board. First, to these kids I am the grizzled voice on the other end of a phone. Second, aging is what you make it, and I have apparently made it bowel health. I am leaving the room as my third realization becomes evident.<\/p>\n

My boxers have become a make-shift thong.<\/p>\n

The result is shameful joy.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It\u2019s five minutes before my noon class on Tuesday, October 11th, 2011, my 37th birthday. It\u2019s an otherwise ordinary day: I\u2019m laying out markers, practicing grammatical example sentences, eyeing up trouble students. I pour a glass of water and reconfigure my boxer shorts in an effort to counteract their invasive nature. I lean over, feigning […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-384","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-6c","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=384"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1087,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/384\/revisions\/1087"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=384"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=384"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=384"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}