{"id":4664,"date":"2019-03-18T08:35:57","date_gmt":"2019-03-18T07:35:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4664"},"modified":"2019-04-22T14:29:22","modified_gmt":"2019-04-22T12:29:22","slug":"a-short-history-of-my-life-with-bidets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4664","title":{"rendered":"A Short History of my Life with Bidets"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
Chauncey the Bidet and Derrick the Cockatoo<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s been a little over two weeks since I moved into a new\nflat. Like almost anyone, I have gotten accustomed to my new neighborhood. And\nnot just the big, basic things like how long it is to get to the metro or the\nshop. I\u2019m also getting used to the little things, like my preferred ATM or the\nshortcuts to the main road. Or the most efficient path through the grocery\nstore.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I am getting used to the little things in my flat, too. I am\nfiguring out which windows allow the best breeze, where the floor creaks are,\nand where I stand around nekkid in my living room without accidentally giving the\nneighbor a mildly disappointing peepshow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

But in terms of the little things, it\u2019s the water things that\u2019s\ntaking a while to get used to. I lived in my last flat for thirteen years, and\nso I knew my shower, toilet, and sinks like old friends. There were no\nsurprises. I knew that the water pressure was going to be strong in the shower\nand exactly how to angle the nozzle at what exact pressure to avoid soaking the\nfloor or ceiling. I knew that if I was in the mood to drink really cold water\nI\u2019d pour from the bathroom tap, which, along with most of Prague\u2019s pubs, spews absolutely\nglacially cold H2o. I knew the water pressure in my kitchen so well that I could\nturn it on without looking, walk away, and come back when I knew the sink would\nbe filled to the desired level. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now I have to get used to a new shower, a new bathroom, and new\nsinks. The water pressure is different as is the water temperature from the respective\ntaps. I am acclimating myself to a new water system. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So is the cat. Every morning I was greeted by not so much a\ncat, as by a continuous thronging of meows from a mobile furball beneath my\nfeet. It didn\u2019t stop until I turned on the tap in the bathroom for her. She\nwould then drink, play, and then stare at the water in amazement. Occasionally she\u2019d\npass her paw through it to test its stability. While I showered, she\u2019d stand on\nthe shelf watching me the way I watch Keith Moon play the drums. It is a\npicture of astounded. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the new flat, I haven\u2019t quite learned how to control the\nshower, so the bathroom floor is often wet. I have been drinking lukewarm water\nand washing my hands in freezing cold water. The cat, a literal creature of\nhabit, meows at the bathroom sink, but can\u2019t quite get her head under the tap\nas it\u2019s lower than in my last flat. So she spends a lot of time trying to\nunderstand the geometry of the sink. It\u2019s a bit sad. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, and then there\u2019s the bidet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

A short history of my\nlife with bidets<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Age 24, Salzburg, Austria: First trip to Europe, first\nexperience with a bidet. Unfortunately thinking it to be a (for some reason,\ngrated) toilet, I pee into it. I drunkenly admit this to my Australian travel\npartner, which confirms his belief that Americans are the globe\u2019s yokels. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Age 31, Egypt: not so much a bidet, but a hose. The intense\nheat of Egypt in July matched up with the oppression of pants leads a crotch area\nwith the temperate consistency of a low bog in an Amazonian rainforest. Heretofore\nunderstanding of the concept of \u201citchy\u201d is blown out of the water. Discovery of\na hose at the toilet. Subsequently find that the capability to focus extremely\nhot water on the area below produces so much euphoria that it should be listed\nas a Schedule I Narcotic. American travel partner labels the amount of time I\nspend in the bathroom as \u201csuspicious.\u201d Sleeps with light on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Age 42, Japan: Spend two weeks enjoying the technological\nDisney World that is the Japanese toilet. Heating my seat, water spray in such\na wide variety of formations that I feel like I am sitting on one of those musical\nentertainment fountains (and I like it). Perfume. Air dry. And a whole lot of\nbuttons I can\u2019t understand and therefore do not dare touch. Struggle with the possibility\nthat there might be a pizza button. Resolve to never mock Japanese tendency for\ninventing techno-curiosities ever again.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ages 24-44.4: A dark age. I am mostly incapable of informing\nany bidet argument, discussion, or commentary. I mostly stick to telling\nnostalgic tales of the Egyptian taint-tastic adventures in a noticeably wistful\nvoice. I keep the misadventure in Salzburg a secret. Whenever Japan is mentioned,\nI take off my hat. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Age 44.5: Move into new flat which has a bidet hose. Outlook\nand life radically change. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the sixteen days I have been living in my flat, I have\nsaid the word \u201cbidet\u201d roughly 600 times. Usually without context or reason. I\nbring a bidet into conversation 1000% more often that I did seventeen days ago.\nI am learning bidet techniques, the level and strength of stream preference,\ncloseness of the nozzle, I have spent whole mornings thinking about the\nbenefits of warm vs. hot water or hot vs. cold water. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Not only has the bidet changed my bathroom life, it has so\nchanged my cultural outlook. At times I feel more Czech than American. My love\nof public transport, my views on mid-week day drinking and other social mores. But\nthis is the first time I have felt more European than American. When I use my\nbidet, I feel as though I am smoking cloves in an outdoor caf\u00e9 as admirers ogle\nmy new beret. I am voting for Bernie. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My cat can\u2019t quite figure it out. Probably figuring she\u2019d never\nhave to master another water outlet, she\u2019s probably a bit uprooted. When Burke\nisn\u2019t home and I can leave the bathroom door open while purifying the ole\nsystem and the cat naturally sits in front of me and asks me to explain the\nuniverse. When the bidet is employed she stares at it in awe and wonder, the\nway a Neanderthal might regard a mobile phone, a toaster, or pants. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019re getting there. I\u2019m slowly finding my water preferences,\ntendencies, and hiccups. I\u2019m making new friends with the water output systems\nin the flat. Soon we\u2019ll be buddies. And me and my bidet will tramp forth cleaner\nand happier. On a side note, I can now never move.     <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Chauncey the Bidet and Derrick the Cockatoo It\u2019s been a little over two weeks since I moved into a new flat. Like almost anyone, I have gotten accustomed to my new neighborhood. And not just the big, basic things like how long it is to get to the metro or the shop. I\u2019m also getting […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4665,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4664","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/03\/54458106_1192909534220580_5540251926278438912_n.jpg?fit=2709%2C3612&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1de","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4664"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4666,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4664\/revisions\/4666"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4665"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}