{"id":4674,"date":"2019-04-08T19:12:09","date_gmt":"2019-04-08T17:12:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4674"},"modified":"2019-04-22T14:28:56","modified_gmt":"2019-04-22T12:28:56","slug":"the-airbnb-test","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4674","title":{"rendered":"The Airbnb Test"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We roll into Stansted Airport and as soon as I step off the plane money begins flying out of pockets. I wink one eye closed while buying us tickets to the express into town. It\u2019s a move I will mimic multiple times in the next two days. Once off the train, we begin eating up London. The culture. Every vertical surface is plastered with an advertisement for another cultural output, book, play, musical, movie. The language. Different and the same. One can hear the superfluous U and the ISE\u2019s instead of IZE\u2019s. We marvel at the ad-libbed speeches of the homeless and how their word choice makes them sound like prep school teachers. \u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the time we have reached our little corner of the massive\nsprawl of a city, I have something to worry about. The Airbnb guy, Burke\ninforms me, hasn\u2019t given us the address or written back to her last message\n(the day before) for the buzzer number. It\u2019s common for Airbnb owners to give\nthe full address after confirmation of payment, which occurred two months ago. While\nwe arranged a time to meet (7:30) the only address we could get was from google\nmaps. We go to it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

7:30 comes and goes and I am walking up and down the little\nroad. Now and then I scream \u201cJim!\u201d and then \u201cJim!\u201d up in the general direction\nof an open window. No Jim appears. The street is desolate and any man who does\npass gives me a crooked look when I murmur \u201cJim\u201d at him.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We go to a local restaurant to get online. We are served by a lovely Romanian girl (the first of three we will meet). She gives us the Wi-Fi code and brings us two bottles of some IPA whose name I can\u2019t remember (something like Scrambly Doug\u2019s or looney Luther\u2019s). Burke gets on Airbnb and has a message. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, he says he was there and waiting for us.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHm\u2026\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite our requests for the information, good old Jim has not\ngiven us the address, the buzzer, or the means of meeting (outside, at a\nspecific spot, etc.). We only have the road and a hopeful address from father\nGoogle. So how he expected us to miraculously show up is setting off a red flag\nin my brain\u2019s bullshit detector. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh,\u201d Burke continues, \u201che sent the address and I\u2019m telling him\nyou\u2019ll come now and get the keys.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew this was going to happen. It takes Burke several minutes\nto shed the outdoor gear she wraps up in. there\u2019s a beer in front of her. It\u2019s\na long walk back to Jim\u2019s. I knew I was to be enlisted, but it\u2019s fine as I have\naggravated energy to burn off. On the way I decide to be nice. The most\nimportant thing is that we get the keys, no use worrying over a little miscue. I\npractice my dismissive-of-an-apology act. \u201cOh it\u2019s fine. These things happen.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

When I get to the address I am greeted by the third most beautiful\nwoman I have ever seen in real life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUh\u2026Jim?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo. Jenny.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOK.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s dark and sexy. She knows it. We shake hands. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYour lovely lady must have misunderstood, we said if she\ngave us an hour and then sent a message we\u2019d be able to get you in, we\u2019re just\na bit backed up now because of this, but that\u2019s OK, all good now, right?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is exactly not the case. I have seen the messages because\nI have written the messages. We had a time to meet and though we requested more\ninformation it was not provided. Also, I am pretty sure that Jenny is trying to\nblame this on us. She is quick with her silvered tongue, smooth, fast. So just\nas I attempt to correct the statement, she interrupts. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHere we are. Now you\u2019re gonna unlock by going one to the\nleft and then pull down the handle and you\u2019re gonna lock by going one to the\nright and pull down the handle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In case you don\u2019t understand the movement, it\u2019s called\nopening a door. You have probably, as have I, done it several hundred thousand\ntimes and its instruction here has one purpose: distract. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

After the tutorial of how to \u201copen a door\u201d the third most\nbeautiful woman I have ever seen in real life shows me a room. A basic room. Good.\nThis is exactly what we wanted. Toilet and shower. A bed. A window. A two-top\nburner which we won\u2019t use. There\u2019s a charger on the table. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh a charger, that\u2019s great. We forgot one.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course. Of course there\u2019s a charger. Why would we ever\nleave you without a charger? How could we do that? They\u2019re expensive.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cUh yeah. It\u2019s\u2026thank you.\u201d I look in the bathroom. Lots of\ngray and noticeably lacking in materials which either dry a body or clean a\npart of the body. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh can we get some toilet paper and towels, please?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course. Of course. Now what I\u2019m gonna do is I\u2019m gonna\nbring you a pan so you can have a good old fry-up in the morning. And I\u2019m gonna\nbring you a toaster, a toaster, right. I\u2019m gonna bring you a toaster. And\nbutter. Don\u2019t get you no butter. I\u2019ll get you a toaster, a pan, butter, and\nsugar and tea, so all\u2019s you got to do is get yourself some milk and bread and bacon\nand you got a proper English fry-up.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThank you\u2026and toilet paper and towels.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cObviously. Right. Look you\u2019ll get a \u2013 in like two hours \u2013 a\nfrying pan, so you can have that fry-up, and that toaster and you can have\ntoast, and I bring you all the fixins\u2019 for tea, so you do it right in the\nmorning. You\u2019ll need a spatula too.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSounds nice. Uh\u2026and\u2026can you please make sure about the towels\nand toilet paper.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh certainly. Look Imma write it here on my iPad. Frying\npan. Toaster. Sugar. Butter. Teabags.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd towels and toilet paper.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRight,\u201d she says, but, perhaps pointedly to us both, she does\nnot write it on her e-list. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We leave the room. At her behest I practice locking the\ndoor, which I have been doing since I was five. Fortunately, muscle memory\nserves me well and I\u2019m allowed to stay. A man walks out through a door and\nnods. He\u2019s bald and frumpy, wearing a T shirt that he pulled from next to a\nstack of magazines under a thirteen-year-old\u2019s bed. He looks like the real life\nversion of a sitcom character who\u2019s meant to be the slightly off upstairs neighbor.\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s Jim,\u201d she says when he\u2019s scurried into another room.\n\u201cHe\u2019s my partner.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nah he\u2019s not, I think and do not say. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I tell Burke about the third most beautiful woman I\u2019ve ever\nseen in my life and a guy she is somehow involved with. We make odds on the\nlikelihood of receiving kitchenware and toilet paper. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We have a few pints in Sawyer\u2019s Arms pub. I ignore the\nprices. Football is on. As always, there\u2019s one bar asshole. The bar staff is (as\nare many we will find) charming, as well as vastly female and non-British,\nwhich leads me to picture a post-Brexit bar staff made up of confused white\nguys shouting at some other confused white guys who are wondering where all the\nattractive Portuguese, Spanish, Romanian, and Polish women have gone off to. I\nveer my eyes away from the bill when paying it. The wince would probably lead\nto a neck strain. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the while my brain returns intermittently to the Airbnb\nand the third most beautiful girl I have ever seen and her Cosmo Kramer on\nspeed \u201cpartner.\u201d What\u2019s with the toaster? The frying pan? Was this all a\ndiversion tactic? She clearly blamed the mishap on us, when it was definitely\ntheir issue, so is this all a \u201clet\u2019s cheer you up before you leave that review\u201d\nploy? Which, by the way, would be achieved much quicker by giving us some\ntoilet paper and a couple of towels than a frying pan that I won\u2019t be using. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We return to a red bag in front of the door. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAh, here\u2019s our stuff,\u201d I foolishly state. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Frying pan. Sugar. Teabags. Toaster. spatula. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I am not lying when I say that I knew this was going to\nhappen. When someone oversells something you don\u2019t want over the thing you\nactually want it\u2019s very clear they\u2019re trying to tell you that they thing you want\nain\u2019t actually the thing you want. It\u2019s this toaster. Or this frying pan. I\nhave no problems with toasters, I use them often. But usually to make toast and\nnot dry myself off after a shower or clean my butt after going boom boom. But I\nknew this was going to happen; what I don\u2019t understand is why it has happened.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Burke has come to the conclusion that this is a brothel. Now\nhear me out. We couldn\u2019t get in there when we wanted to and upon (way too late)\nreading the reviews, find that this is not the first time the third most\nbeautiful woman I have ever seen in real life and her friend have had trouble meeting\nclients on time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey need the bed,\u201d Burke says. \u201cIt\u2019s a pay by hour thing. That\u2019s\nwhy they didn\u2019t want to give us the address. If we show up, they have to let us\nin the room, but they can give us information later and then just blame it on\nus. Looks like they\u2019ve done it to a lot of people.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her theory is corroborated by the enormous attractiveness\ngap between Jim and Jenny. Could he be a pimp? Maybe. Could she be a  \u00a32000 an hour call girl. Maybe. We eat Cadbury\neggs and get quiet. We try to charge our phone with the obvious charger, but it\ninevitably doesn\u2019t work on any outlet. I try it in the hallway. No go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We get in bed. A few drunks wander down the road outside. A\nguy moves around in the hallway. I read a little Hemingway. We shut down the lights.\nAnd I lie there and think about what the third most beautiful woman I have ever\nseen in real life and the guy who knows her are trying to pull. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the morning, there\u2019s another bag outside the door. In the\nbag are two towels and what looks to be toilet paper. I breathe a sigh and kick\nmyself. Perhaps I have misjudged. I bring the bag in and reach inside. The towels\nare damp, super damp, as in, left-in-the-washer-overnight damp. The bag of toilet\nbutter ends up being a bag of butter packets. I try the adapter again and see imprinted\nalong the top curve: Fused: only for shavers and toothbrushes <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Anyone who has the internet has seen videos in which people are purposefully toyed with under the guise of sociological experimentation. Let\u2019s see what happens if this homeless guy asks these prudish hipsters if they\u2019ll give him a prostate exam. Not one of these sniveling little privileged weenies would do it! <\/em>Pbbt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Is this what\u2019s happening? Jim\u2019s the head sociologist. The third most beautiful woman I have ever seen in real life is an actress paid to play her part. Let\u2019s see what happens when two unsuspecting tourists are put into a situation without Wi-Fi access and then slowly gaslighted in an attempt to convince them that they would prefer to make a large English breakfast than have showers or use the bathroom? Take away access to phone chargers and slowly bring them things they don\u2019t want and then a thing they do want, but unusable. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

What would happen? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well as it turns out, the only thing that happens is that\none of the tourists goes up to a local shop and buys toilet paper and an\nadapter (that he specifically asks will work on phones and not just\ntoothbrushes). They eat more Cadbury\u2019s and wonder why they haven\u2019t seen anyone\nwho works there since Friday night. They wonder where the cameras are and they\nmake faces into those portraits above the bed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then they give weird looks to the actors playing the homeless men and wonder at the deeper point to their soliloquies. But I draw the line at prostate exam. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We roll into Stansted Airport and as soon as I step off the plane money begins flying out of pockets. I wink one eye closed while buying us tickets to the express into town. It\u2019s a move I will mimic multiple times in the next two days. Once off the train, we begin eating up […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4675,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4674","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/04\/gaslight.jpg?fit=1000%2C1554&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1do","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4674","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4674"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4674\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4676,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4674\/revisions\/4676"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4675"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4674"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4674"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4674"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}