{"id":4691,"date":"2019-05-13T08:50:22","date_gmt":"2019-05-13T06:50:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4691"},"modified":"2022-01-28T10:52:34","modified_gmt":"2022-01-28T09:52:34","slug":"the-formal-online-education-of-spiderman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4691","title":{"rendered":"The Formal Online Education of Spiderman"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
photo courtesy of comicbookmovie.com<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

I am in the kitchen working on an article. It\u2019s a pleasant Sunday afternoon, rotating from rainy to raining to storming. The B Monster has recently learned how easily she can jump from the floor to the kitchen table, so she is providing a buffer between me and my computer screen. Now and then she gauges and then makes a ninjaesque leap to the counter from the table. Other than the cat distraction, I look out at the stormy weather and enjoy the occasional Schadenfreudian giggle at someone running through the rain with a bag held over their heads. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since it\u2019s Sunday I alternate work with Netflix, today it\u2019s The\nWalking Dead. And I also eat freely. It\u2019s one of the major benefits to working in\nthe kitchen. It\u2019s a pretty nice Sunday. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Burke is in the living room teaching online. She teaches\nkids in China short English lessons. It\u2019s all done through a company so the\nlesson is highly regimented to the point that there\u2019s almost a script to follow.\nShe starts out each lesson saying hello and introducing herself in loud clear\nEnglish (as required by the company, not a version of the American English Tourist\nDialect). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then she says, \u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since she wears headset, I can\u2019t hear the child\u2019s response,\nI only hear Burke say \u201cNice to meet you, Student\u2019s Name.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The names are mostly Anglicized names; I am not sure if they\nare given them at birth or allowed to choose them. In the last three weeks I\nhave heard lots of names. Carl. Brad. Vivian. Denise. Torie. Robert. There was\na Tiger last week. Of course when I hear the name I wonder about its origin. Vivian?\nSort of old fashioned, maybe it\u2019s making a comeback? Brad? Parents love Brad\nPitt? Wonder how they felt about Brangelina breaking up. Who knows? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hear the name used repeatedly for 25 straight minutes\n(Brad, what color is this? Brad, can you circle the dog? Good job, Brad! Nice\njob, Brad! Brad, come back!) it\u2019s natural that it preys on my mind a bit. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So today, over the sound of a beloved Walking Dead character\nscreeching as they become living sustenance to the zombies, I hear it. \u201cNice to\nmeet you, Spiderman!\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I pause Netflix. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

It couldn\u2019t have been\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But it is. And for 25 minutes, I hear it. Spiderman, which\none is blue? Spiderman, What color does you like? Nice job, Spiderman! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

OK, let me first state that of all the kids I have heard\none-sidedly taught, I have never wanted to see one of them more than Spiderman.\nI wondered more than any of them how exactly this name was acquired. Was this a\nchoice of his parents? Did Spiderman choose his own name? Is his bedroom a shrine\nto the superhero? Is there any chance this is a second language botch-up lost in\ntranslation? Like how American college girls keep getting the Chinese symbol\nfor formaldehyde<\/em> tattooed on their\nnecks because they think it means courage<\/em>?\n<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After these questions, I am beset with depression. Was\nSpiderman a choice in the whole name game? I mean, sure, I could go legally\nchange it, but everyone already knows my name so it would be hard to get the\nword out. Also I\u2019d have to change my credit cards and passport. Czech bureaucracy\nis a nightmare and plus they are super weirdly anal with names, there\u2019s no way\nthat changing my name to Spiderman (or Captain Marvel or Lex Luther) would be acceptable\nhere. They\u2019d probably boot me out. But still, I have a confirmation name. Why\nwasn\u2019t I informed that Spiderman was a choice then? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the end of Spiderman\u2019s 25 minutes, my depression has deepened.\nThis is no doubt due to the fact that it\u2019s being rubbed in my face. Nice work,\nSpiderman! Great job, Spiderman! <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Well, no kidding! He\u2019s Spiderman! Of course he\u2019s kicking ass\nin his ESL lesson!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Burke finishes teaching, I only ask: \u201cWas Spiderman\ngood?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe was great.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

No doubt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My mom calls later. I am still in the kitchen, doing dishes\nnow. Just like a boring guy with a run of the mill boring name. I wish her a\nhappy Mother\u2019s Day and we both share a laugh at the suggestion that my dad\nmight cook tonight. He cooks once every 365 days and that one time was a month\nago. Eggs and bread. It\u2019s not his fault, I think, he\u2019s not Spiderman for crying\nout loud.   <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

photo courtesy of comicbookmovie.com I am in the kitchen working on an article. It\u2019s a pleasant Sunday afternoon, rotating from rainy to raining to storming. The B Monster has recently learned how easily she can jump from the floor to the kitchen table, so she is providing a buffer between me and my computer screen. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4692,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4691","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/05\/spidey.jpg?fit=1200%2C630&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1dF","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4691","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4691"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4691\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4693,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4691\/revisions\/4693"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4692"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4691"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4691"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4691"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}