{"id":4813,"date":"2019-09-23T09:47:48","date_gmt":"2019-09-23T07:47:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4813"},"modified":"2020-03-09T07:22:45","modified_gmt":"2020-03-09T06:22:45","slug":"report-thirteen-minutes-offline","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4813","title":{"rendered":"Report: Thirteen Minutes Offline"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<figure class=\"wp-block-image\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"752\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/grump-752x1024.jpg?resize=752%2C1024&#038;ssl=1\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-4099\" srcset=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/grump.jpg?resize=752%2C1024&amp;ssl=1 752w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/grump.jpg?resize=220%2C300&amp;ssl=1 220w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/grump.jpg?resize=768%2C1046&amp;ssl=1 768w, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/10\/grump.jpg?w=893&amp;ssl=1 893w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 752px) 100vw, 752px\" \/><figcaption>cats: owners of the internet<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Introduction<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This report outlines the events of September 20, 2019, in\nwhich the internet went down and the manners by which the residents [two adult(ish)\nhumans, one cat] of [redacted address] were forced to find entertainment. The report\nsuggests possible measures to be taken in future, both preemptive and during\nsaid situation. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Overview<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Male adult A [codename Count Wolfenstein] was relaxing on\nhis couch watching Netflix and scrolling through Reddit when the internet went down.\nThe remote control seemed as well to be on the fritz, so the subject was forced\nto find entertainment in the things he could find around the couch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Chubby-Cubby-Master &#x2122; <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The chubby-cubby-master is a side-riding cloth and Velcro cubby\nthat attached to the side of the couch (and is evidently unremovable). Within,\nCount Wolfenstein found a very thin and tall book with various colored and glossy\npictures throughout. This was verified to be a \u201cmagazine\u201d and while various\narticles were inside the Count was troubled by their length, their lack of listing\nsections, and the complete void of Wikipedia links. Ultimately the \u201cmagazine\u201d\nwas put back into the chubby cubby for reserve use. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<!--more-->\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Cat <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Technically the cat was also in the chubby-cubby-master &#x2122;. For the intents and purposes of this report, a \u201ccat\u201d shall be defined as a small furry psychopath who own the internet but who are dependent on humans. After a violent grapple, the Count was able to convince the cat to take part in a short game of \u201clet\u2019s make my hands bleed.\u201d The game only lasted a few seconds, but the goal was achieved. Entertainment was had for two minutes after the cat\u2019s departure by assessing hand wounds and wondering if medical intervention was necessary. It was deemed not so. * <\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>Pending <\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Dwight K. Schrute &nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>After various attempts to force the internet to make entertainment\non his phone, tablet, and computer, Count Wolfenstein noticed that another\nperson was currently inhabiting the left side of his couch. This person introduced\nherself as his girlfriend, her name in this report is Dwight K. Schrute *. After\nconfusion, Dwight K. Schrute suggested that she was the reason the Count\u2019s rent\nwas cheaper and his dishes were sometimes done when he came home. As Dwight was\nalso looking for entertainment on her now useless phone, the subjects decided\nto work together, but in the end were unable to create entertainment. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li>All codenames were self-appointed. &nbsp;&nbsp;<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Other Considerations<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>The Count and Dwight considered numerous options for\nentertainment. They attempted to revive dormant videos on their phones and\ntablets and watched the paused Netflix movie for a while on the television. Small\nconsideration was given to going outside, but there seemed to be a number of\nviolent children outside shrieking in glee and taking advantage of the warm and\nsunny weather. Given no other recourse, they fell asleep. &nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p><strong>Conclusion and Recommendations <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>In total, the internet was down for 13 minutes and the subjects\nwere awakened by the resumption of their Netflix movie. Damage was only\ntemporary, but given the instability of the internet connection (99.3%)\nmeasures should be taken to ensure consistent entertainment throughout such an\nevent in the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>This panel finds that the subjects overlooked a number of viable options to find entertainment. For instance, they could have visited a neighbor for the first time and looked at their internet, or they could have called a friend or family member and had them describe what was happening on their internet. Another option could have been to Uber to the pub next door and use their internet. If the pub\u2019s internet had also been down, the subjects could have at least gotten drunk. <\/p>\n\n\n\n<p>Future measures include the above-mentioned and perhaps the preemptive placement of toys and\/or NyQuil under the couch but within reach. We believe that if the subjects take into account our ideas and plan accordingly, then they can avoid such an unpleasant event in the future. &nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>cats: owners of the internet Introduction This report outlines the events of September 20, 2019, in which the internet went down and the manners by which the residents [two adult(ish) humans, one cat] of [redacted address] were forced to find entertainment. The report suggests possible measures to be taken in future, both preemptive and during [&#8230;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4813","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1fD","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4813","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4813"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4813\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4936,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4813\/revisions\/4936"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4813"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4813"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4813"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}