{"id":4869,"date":"2019-12-30T20:05:53","date_gmt":"2019-12-30T19:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4869"},"modified":"2020-03-09T07:22:07","modified_gmt":"2020-03-09T06:22:07","slug":"19e","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4869","title":{"rendered":"19E"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"
With an annoying neighbor, there’s no place to go<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There\u2019s always anticipation when it comes to your neighbors\non a flight. Will they be a manspreader, a talker, a complainer, a model? You never\nknow. I am aware that I \u2013 a short, stocky, hairy, cat enthusiast with itchy elbows\n\u2013 am not exactly a gold medal for my flight neighbor. But we lie to ourselves\nto get us through, do we not. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s after a preflight pee that I see my neighbor for the\nfirst time. He is stocky, tall, and overall large. He is standing in my spot\nand sorting through his carryon bag, which is on my seat. I stand across the aisle\nand wait until his wife says something to him, I suppose along the lines of \u201cyou\u2019re\nin that guy\u2019s seat.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Neighbor looks at me and I say a gentle, \u201cit\u2019s OK, man, take\nyour time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s exactly what he does. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When finally I sit I find that my neighbor is a manspreader\nand an armspreader. Our elbows begin what will be a seven hour spooning\nsession. Before takeoff I put in my earphones and start a movie. My neighbor taps\nme on the shoulder. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhere you get?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThese?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThey\u2019re mine. I brought them.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhere you live?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPrague.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Obviously not registering. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt\u2019s\u2026Germany.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy go Philadelphia?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMy family lives there.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe go Atlantic City. You help us go there?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI mean, I can point to where you should go for buses and trains.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes. Good. What your name?\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDamien.\u201d Regret over giving real name palpable.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI am Hoopoo. It means Hope.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We shake hands. Red flag. Whenever someone explains the meaning of their name a little part of me curls up and weeps openly. This is far from over. <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

I go back to my movie. I become the official interpreter between Hope and our stewards. I assure him that the food and basic drinks are free. I help him get an extra roll and ensure that he gets chicken. I order him his red wine and his coca cola. He borrows my pen and while I can’t properly convey the importance of sharing my number one pen, I think my deep breathing while handing it over got the message through. In general, all seems well. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A couple of hours later I\u2019m watching a second movie, I\u2019m buzzed from two cups of red wine, and my elbow is currently the small spoon. Overall things are fine. A tap on my hand startles me out of my film. I take out my earphones. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hope: \u201cDo you believe in Jesus?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Many things go through my head. In the first place, I got no problem wtih Jesus, I think he was a great guy, but no, I don\u2019t “believe in him” the way I think Hope probably does and likely the way he wishes me to express. Second, Hope is not a native speaker, so a nuanced answer will probably be largely misunderstood. Third, are you f***ing kidding me? You have interrupted me in the middle of a movie to ask if I believe in Jesus? Even Jesus would consider punching you in the nose for that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, in the hypothetical response based on this scenario I am probably far more unpleasant than I will actually be. Nevertheless, I am not going to lie. I open my mouth and prepare to say, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fortunately I have been staring at him and making an \u201cEhhhhhhh\u201d\nsound long enough that he gets the picture. He says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo don\u2019t answer.\u201d And then, \u201cYou know, when this plane she crashes\npeople will not be screaming for friends, they will scream for they mama and\nJesus Christ.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My English Teacher Brain hears when this plane crashes<\/em> and people will not scream…<\/em>. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I say: \u201cOh, I don\u2019t love your grammar, there, Hope. I hope <\/em>it’s a linguistic mistake or you’ll have to excuse me while I hit my steward button thingy.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He continues with no pauses into a short speech on self-happiness. This includes going through pain (which I do agree with), loving yourself (Pbbt. Fat Chance. I write comedy.), staying away from dirty women (a thing which I may gauge by “looking at a woman’s mother.”), and ingesting as much turmeric, cumin, kale, ginger, and goat that I can possibly handle. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite my annoyance at being interrupted, I write these things down (the spices, not the dirty woman thing). If the plane doesn\u2019t crash, I\u2019ll get some of those spices and try out the self-love thing. I decide to get something out of this, so I ask some questions about the best way to prepare goat, pork, and where to add turmeric to my life. He offers lots of ideas and gives me an oddly pleasant forearm massage where h says I hold my stress. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I suggest that goat is an animal that eats everything,\nhe looks at me cockeyed and says, \u201cMaybe some common street goal, but not\nAfrican ones.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAh. I see.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hope lets me get back to my movie and though I have found\nthe interruption surprisingly pleasant, I keep my left eye closed for the rest\nof the flight. When we touch down in Philly and get split up at the customs I\nsay goodbye to him and his wife. I wish them luck, tell them to look for the\nmassive signs that say BUS TO ATLANTIC CITY and tell them not to hand their\nluggage over to anyone who looks like an asshole. I promise to buy turmeric the\nfirst chance I get and I swear that I will try some self-love ( I make forty masturbation\njokes, but I don\u2019t share those with him). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Overall I enjoyed the experience of meeting an annoying yet\nnice person on a flight. I\u2019m surprised that I ended up liking someone who asked\nme about my religious beliefs in the first thirty seconds of meeting me. And I thought\nto myself: maybe I ought to rethink how I approach strangers. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if I have an empty seat next to me on the flight home I will engage in some serious self love.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

With an annoying neighbor, there’s no place to go There\u2019s always anticipation when it comes to your neighbors on a flight. Will they be a manspreader, a talker, a complainer, a model? You never know. I am aware that I \u2013 a short, stocky, hairy, cat enthusiast with itchy elbows \u2013 am not exactly a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4870,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4869","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/12\/seats.jpg?fit=800%2C449&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s1EvEu-19e","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4869","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4869"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4869\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4933,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4869\/revisions\/4933"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4870"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4869"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4869"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4869"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}