{"id":4944,"date":"2020-03-09T18:44:06","date_gmt":"2020-03-09T17:44:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4944"},"modified":"2020-03-16T08:14:35","modified_gmt":"2020-03-16T07:14:35","slug":"apocalyptic-travel-tips","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=4944","title":{"rendered":"Apocalyptic Travel Tips"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Introduction <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The aim of this report is to outline your travel options\nduring the end of civilization. The recommended tips and ideas comes from the U.S\nBureau of Happiness, Relaxation, and Dining.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Current Situation <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since the beginning of time, the world has been slowing moving\ntowards its end. Then Trump got elected and Alan Rickman died and that end\nseemed a hell of a lot more imminent than it was before. At this point, a plague\nis eking its way across the world and American leadership doesn\u2019t believe in medical\nexpertise and science as much as it does Donald Trump and an invisible man who\nlives in the sky. No, not Muhammed. No, not Anansi. No, not Odin. No, not Ratovantany.\nNo, not Shiva. No, no, no, not any of the Sun Gods. No. Not Mahakala, Cautantowwit,\nCoyote,  Batara Kala, Zamba, or Mr. Rogers.\nThe other god. Yes, the one with the cherubs and the beard. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

To summarize: there\u2019s a good chance humanity is fucked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Places to Go <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The end of humanity means big deals in the field of travel\nand leisure. People are scared to fly, so this is a good chance to cash in on\nsome very cheap flights. The U.S. Bureau of HRD suggests getting around to places\nwhile pilots and airlines are still willing to go there. Pretty soon, Italy might\nbe on lockdown, so there is a strong push towards taking in sights in Rome,\nNaples, and Venice. By the time the lockdown is overturned Venice might be for scuba\ndiving only. If you go, get a slice of pizza at a place called Jerzy\u2019s near the\nSpanish Steps. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We suggest bringing four gallons of hand sanitizer and\n400,000 wipes.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Things to Do <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cruises are always a highly rated vacation activity, but be\nwarned that due to an overly aggressive quarantine policy, going on a cruise\nmeans you are never going to stop being on that cruise. This might sound good\nnow, but let\u2019s see what you think after a decade of Bingo, Beach Boys cover\nbands, and fried shrimp platters. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you do go the cruise route, the U.S. Bureau of HRD highly\nrecommends the Glenn Beck Cruise. For just $5000, Glenn Beck (yes that Glenn\nBeck) is hosting a cruise (yes, that kind of cruise) through Italy, Croatia, Greece,\nand Israel. Special guests include Bill O\u2019Reilly (yes, that Bill O\u2019Reilly) and 2825\nother white people. Topics of discussion will be sure to include How Obama\nContinues to Ruin America in his Retirement<\/em> and How Michelle Obama Continues\nto Ruin America even in her Retirement<\/em>. Also some things about god and how\nTrump is doing a great job. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The U.S. Bureau of HRD suggests that you have a number of\nexperiences with animals before the world shuts down and they team up and start\nhunting us. The first of these is swimming with a dolphin. The problem is that\ndolphins are (as it turns out) far more intelligent than humans, so they are\nstarting to pull back from engaging with us. If you can get to one of those domesticated\ndolphins, then good on you. Otherwise, perhaps just hire a chubby yet buoyant friend\nand grease him up and make him cackle and squeak (not an official\nrecommendation from the U.S. Bureau of HRD). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If getting pictures to fill out your Facebook and Instagram profiles\nare how you want to spend the waning days of civilization, then go to a beach,\ntake off your bikini top, look at the ocean, hold your top up in the air to\nexpress freedom, and have someone take your photo from behind. If you are a\nman, or do not wear a bikini (the U.S. Bureau of HRD does not recommend that\nmen wear bikinis) then you need to pay people to drive you into the wild in a\nlarge truck out of reach of any animals that can\u2019t fly, have someone sedate a\nlarge carnivore (lion, tiger, bear), and then disrobe, and sit behind it.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It might be the last chance to experience American culture. So\nif you are in the United States, you should consider drinking in American culture\nas much as possible before civilization shuts down. So we suggest that you go\nto a Walmart. While you are there, buy medicine and medical and cleaning\nsupplies. Everyone else will be buying cheese and Mountain Dew. The U.S. Bureau\nof HRD does not recommend engaging with the shoppers, but if you must, please\nmake sure a professional gamekeeper sedates them first.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The U.S Bureau of HRD does suggest one last experience that might\nhelp you, which is joining a Doomsday Prepper Course. These courses have grown\nin popularity in the last week (up 209,092% since last month) since the last spike\n(up 198% the day Obama was elected). So you may not be able to join the course,\nbut if you can you may end up learning such techniques as living underground, eating\ncockroaches, and shooting arrows into a hay-stuffed doll dressed in a suit and\nwearing an Obama mask.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Conclude <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

To conclude, civilization is ending but that doesn\u2019t mean\nyou can\u2019t enjoy yourself and travel. So go out and have fun while the hand\nsanitizer lasts.     <\/p>\n\n\n\n

.    <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Introduction The aim of this report is to outline your travel options during the end of civilization. The recommended tips and ideas comes from the U.S Bureau of Happiness, Relaxation, and Dining. Current Situation Since the beginning of time, the world has been slowing moving towards its end. Then Trump got elected and Alan Rickman […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4945,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4944","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/03\/apocalypse.jpg?fit=768%2C513&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1hK","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4944","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4944"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4944\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4946,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4944\/revisions\/4946"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/4945"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4944"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4944"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4944"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}