{"id":526,"date":"2011-12-08T14:16:38","date_gmt":"2011-12-08T13:16:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=526"},"modified":"2015-07-24T10:56:22","modified_gmt":"2015-07-24T08:56:22","slug":"the-cycle-of-the-wereczech","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=526","title":{"rendered":"The Cycle of the WereCzech"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Slivovice\"<\/a>3 a.m.<\/p>\n

My nostrils have been hermetically sealed for six hours. I visit the bathroom on average three times every four minutes. And there are angry elves drilling holes into the side of my brain and poking swords into the back of my eyes. I get up and observe the living corpse in the mirror. Something climbs out of my nose and starts singing and my hair has revolted against the rest of my body.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s official, I am dying. Though there\u2019s the off-chance it\u2019s the flu.<\/p>\n

I open the medicine cabinet again and stare into it. I have been in this medicine cabinet five times tonight, but I pray that the medical elves have come and left me something to help: NyQuil, Percocet, a handgun. I root though the cabinet full of Czech medical products, forced to employ my second language at a time when all of my efforts should be focused on not soiling my pants.<\/p>\n

Nothing.<\/p>\n

The medical elves have let me down again; just like those damn food elves in my fridge. The search officially ends as the next wave of viral storm troopers organizes a coup d’\u00e9tat in my colon.<\/p>\n

I call off from work and prepare for a day of comforting myself. I run down to my local potraviny (shop) and then the l\u00e9k\u00e1rna (pharmacy) to buy some supplies.<\/p>\n

Being sick drives an extreme need for comfort. This often comes in the form of food, drink, movies and medicine. For most of my life having a cold meant craving chicken noodle soup and crackers, NyQuil and Afrin and When Harry Met Sally.<\/p>\n

Now, as I am walking back to my flat I look into my bag and make a startling discovery. There\u2019s only Paralen (anti-fever pain-killer) and Smecta (anti-diarrheal powder). My comfort food is j\u00e1trov\u00fdmi knedl\u00ed\u010dky (liver dumpling) soup, brown Czech bread and Eidam cheese. My comfort drinks are tea and slivovice (plum brandy) \u2013 doctor\u2019s orders.<\/p>\n

I act surprised, but this is just the next step in the inexorable process of becoming Czech. It\u2019s been happening to all of us. Collin now wears a scarf and describes everything as \u201cnice,\u201d the Czechs\u2019 most often preferred English adjective. PJ called once to tell me how comfortable socks and sandals were and shame overtook me when I confided that I already knew. Lee wears the Czech hiking pants, which are indescribable, but if you saw them, you\u2019d know.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s more. I now consider stepping in dog poop good luck, lunch is my largest meal of the day and I haven\u2019t smiled on the tram since 2009. Mullets still look ridiculous, but not as much as before and \u201cshrooming\u201d means going into the forest to pick mushrooms and not tripping your face off on something pulled off of cow poop. A shot of slivovice in the morning for \u201chealth\u201d is totally normal and beer at lunch is as natural as ordering a side dish.<\/p>\n

And a movie is not a movie unless the ending involves someone very likable dying, the death of a Nazi sympathizer or the Russians invading Czechoslovakia.<\/p>\n

I weep at these realizations and dry the tears with the emergency roll of toilet paper that I have stowed in the pocket of my robe. I make the liver dumpling soup and a cheese sandwich and put on the film Peli\u0161ky.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a hard film to explain, but if you saw it, you\u2019d know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

3 a.m. My nostrils have been hermetically sealed for six hours. I visit the bathroom on average three times every four minutes. And there are angry elves drilling holes into the side of my brain and poking swords into the back of my eyes. I get up and observe the living corpse in the mirror. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-526","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-8u","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/526","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=526"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/526\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2709,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/526\/revisions\/2709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=526"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=526"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=526"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}